


How to Fall In Love (in Four Easy Steps)

by morphia



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Canon Compliant, Cap_Ironman Big Bang 2016, First Times, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, casual sex partners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 04:06:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8650729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphia/pseuds/morphia
Summary: Tony and Pepper's relationship is open, with only one clear rule: they must never let the other catch them with a fling.Soon after the events of The Avengers, Tony finally uses his license to sleep with others--with Steve.And Steve knows that their sexual encounters are intended to be strictly casual, but that doesn't stop him from falling hopelessly, stupidly in love.Or: What if they were actually banging behind the scenes?





	1. Sleeping With Someone You Know

**Author's Note:**

> Like most of my huge projects, this too would not have been finished at all if it weren't for a bunch of lovely, lovely people.  
> So, in no particular order:  
> My two wonderful beta readers: [ Ann2Who](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ann2who/) and [runningondreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningondreams/) \- thank you for making this fic into a cohesive story!  
> My two artists, whose lovely works accompany this fic: [thisphenomenalcage](http://thisphenomenalcage.tumblr.com/post/153664214072/my-art-contribution-for-morphias-2016-cap-im-bb) and [ssyn3](http://ssyn3.tumblr.com/post/153661469763/heres-my-art-for-the-story-written-for-the-capim)  
> And my good friend [Tony--spark](http://tony--spark.tumblr.com/) who provided cheerreading and support when I was having doubts.  
> I hope you enjoy this mess I wrote everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

When they meet for the first time, Steve can't get a good read on Tony Stark. Sure, he's read the files, but no paper can convey a personality, and the suit of armor leaves much to be desired. They don't get along well at first, but that's nothing new for Steve. He has a way of making bad first impressions, and with how much he's been struggling since he came out of the ice, he's surprised things aren't even worse.

In any case, Tony seems to be doing everything in his power to rile everyone up, completely disregarding the very real danger that Loki might do something terrible with the Tesseract while they're distracted, and no one seems to be able to get him in line. Of course, Steve has to admit that he does see bits and pieces of Tony's brilliance, regardless of their conflicting personalities.

What he pointedly _isn’t_ thinking about, however, is the twitch of attraction he gets, those few times they're alone, whenever Steve sees Tony doing his genius thing. It's a strange sensation that hadn't been there often--and shouldn’t be there with a man as arrogant and self-centered as Tony Stark. It doesn’t matter anyway, Steve tells himself, and shoves all irrelevant thoughts aside. Tony is off limits with a girlfriend.

And even if Tony _were_ single, Steve does remember all the stuff he'd read about him in the files. Emotional investment sure wasn't in there.

Pushing his emotions aside, Steve focuses on the battle at hand. They find the Tesseract, and they find Loki, and then they find a full alien army to fight. The mess escalates. They nearly lose the entire population of Manhattan, and then they nearly lose Tony. Steve had been moments from doing CPR when the Hulk roared and brought him back to life.

Steve tells himself he's not disappointed at the lost chance to press his lips on Tony’s mouth.

They get shawarma. Steve's bone tired and a little subdued now. He can't remember the last time he slept and he isn't in the mood to talk to any of the others. Tony casts him contemplative looks, here and there. And for some reason, Steve’s eyes are drawn to him, as well.

They didn’t get along much and Steve is the first to admit that. But there’s something there… in Tony’s eyes, in the way he holds himself, Steve just doesn’t know what to make of it.

At some point, Tony offhandedly remarks that the Tower's structural integrity is sound, and if anyone wants it, there's plenty of rooms to crash in for the night. So eventually, they let Tony usher them to the massive building.

For some reason, Steve is the last to have a place assigned. They keep a tentative silence between them as they head for where Steve assumes is his designated guest-room for the night. When they finally get there, Tony stands back, watching him take in the room. It's lush and expensive, even after the ruin in the top floors. Some stuff is knocked over and there's dust settled where it probably shouldn't be, but it all looks pretty much intact.

Steve isn't sure why Tony's still there.

"It's…" He grips for adequate words. "Nice."

Tony chuckles, and it sounds a little hollow, but he pushes himself off the wall he'd been propped up against nonetheless. "Nice, huh? That's it?"

"I don't…" Steve glances over, and Tony is standing closer than he'd expected. Steve doesn't step back. "I'm not used to this… uh…" God, he's nervous. Why is he nervous?

"Comfort?" Tony offers, a cheeky smile on his face that wavers a little. Steve wonders how Tony can even be smiling right now. He'd nearly died, out in space, alone, only a handful of hours ago. Steve gulps because Tony is now even closer, and he realizes he'd been in this situation before. An all too vivid memory of a secretary cornering him, offering to thank him in the name of all those wives…

"Uh…" Steve leans back as Tony leans in closer. He can't be reading this right. Tony's got a girlfriend and he's probably exhausted and…

"Steve."

"Tony?" It startles out of him, and he realizes this is the first time Tony's called him by his first name.

"Don't freak out."

 _Freak out?_ Is all Steve manages to think when Tony grasps his uniform collar and pulls him down for a kiss.

This, Steve thinks absently as his eyes fall closed for a brief moment, is his third kiss _ever_ . He is severely inexperienced and Tony Stark is _kissing_ him and Tony Stark has a girlfriend--

Steve pulls back abruptly, hands falling on Tony's shoulders. His heart is racing as are his thoughts. What the hell is going on here? Nothing at all had indicated this was going to happen and to be honest, Steve had been under the impression that Tony couldn't even stand him and--

"That. I told you not to do that," Tony says, almost scolding, but he doesn't step back. He makes no move to kiss him again, for which Steve is grateful. He watches Tony's face closely for… anything, really, but all he can see is exhaustion, a tightness around the eyes.

"I'm not freaking out," Steve says flatly, letting his hands drop but not moving away. He's… curious. Tony doesn't lean in again, so Steve stays where he is. "I just don't understand. I thought you hated me…"

Tony lifts an eyebrow, then leans back to study his face with the benefit of some distance. The dimness of the room isn't helping Steve's nerves. Seeing the shadows fall and play on Tony's face makes him itch for a pencil. "I don't hate you."

"Could've fooled me," Steve retorts, but his tone is soft, lacking venom. He remembers those few intense glances Tony had directed at him, and feels his heart beating a bit faster. "And don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Pep and I…" Tony's expression seals off for a moment, but he seems to come to a conclusion quickly. "...we have an… arrangement."

Steve thinks he might know where this is going. He hasn't been around this new century very long. Sure, where he comes from, the world he lived in two weeks ago, people did what they needed to do to keep themselves reasonably sane, too. They just didn't talk about it. What Tony is talking about sounds absurd. "An arrangement?"

"We do whatever with whoever, so long as we stay safe and keep it out of the public's eye. It's worked so far." Tony shrugs, but it's a stiff motion, like he's waiting for the blow.

Steve stays still for a long moment. "So how often do you… use this option?" he asks, feels the bitterness of it and does nothing to keep it hidden. His hands clench into fists at his sides even as he stands his ground. He'd be just one more conquest for Tony. Steve had waited years to find the right partner and then she--

"Never." Tony's tone is flippant, but when Steve looks at him again--and when had he lowered his gaze?--his expression is still sealed off, ready for criticism. Steve just stares.

"Never," he repeats, almost a question, then sighs, looks away. "Why me, Tony? Why now?" And there are so many reasons why it's a bad idea, why they absolutely shouldn't. Steve's still in grief, he's inexperienced and tends to fall for the absolutely unattainable. And Tony's still shaken from his trip to space, let alone all of his other hangups that Steve doesn't even know about but knows must exist.

"You won't kiss and tell," Tony says, like he has full trust in Steve's confidentiality, and there's a smile in his tone that sounds fond. Steve doesn't check to see if he's imagining it. "You're attractive, straightforward." A small chuckle leaves him, and it isn't the empty sound from earlier, it's warm, feels real. "And I figured you’d need the relief as much as I do after all of that. Come on…"

"I've never done anything like this," Steve says on a choked breath. "That was the third time anyone's ever kissed me." He feels his face warming but stands his ground. "Trust me, you don't want me."

The silence stretches, and Steve wonders how long it'll take Tony to start laughing.

Tony doesn't laugh.

"We can go slow," he says instead. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to." He seems to hesitate before adding, "Or I can just go--"

"You're sure Ms. Potts is okay with this?"

"She doesn't want to know, to be honest, but, no. She doesn't mind it." Steve turns to look at him and sees silent hope in his eyes, a tentative lean forward as he shifts his weight to his toes. Steve thinks _this is a huge mistake_ and closes the distance between them, finally, for the first time in his life, initiating a kiss rather than passively receiving one.

A sound escapes Tony as they kiss, maybe relief, maybe something else. Steve doesn't ask. He reaches for Tony, letting his hands rest on his flanks, not entirely touching him, before Tony wraps his arms around his shoulders and _pulls_. Steve isn't even sure what to do when tongues come into play, but Tony patiently shows him, and he's always been quick to learn new things, even more so since the serum. He feels hot all over, like he's overdressed and drenched in boiling water, and it all gets so much headier when Tony rubs himself against Steve's body fully. The uniform doesn't allow much sensation, but just the pressure, the heat of it is maddening, and it's already making him crave more.

Tony's hands are at the fastenings of Steve's uniform, and Steve dutifully helps him get the outer layer off. He's not particularly self conscious about his body, but this feels different. It's intimate and the intent is hugely different from what he's used to. He still feels grimy from the battle, but remains silent about it as he moves to take off his undershirt in one smooth motion.

Tony sucks in a breath, and Steve feels himself flushing with strange satisfaction. It's not often that he gets naked in the presence of others, and he likes that he can affect Tony like this. When he reaches for Tony's shirt, though, two firm grips at his wrists stop him, and Tony gives him a pointed stare. Steve just casts him a quizzical look in return.

"It's not pretty," Tony says, and Steve can see the blue circle shining through the fabric. He's read the reports. He knows there must be scars under there.

"Were you going to bed me with your shirt on?"

"To _bed_ you. Are you for real, Rogers?" Tony tips his head back, looks down at him with lowered lashes, like he can't believe he managed to convince Steve to do this.

Steve rolls his eyes, then tugs on the shirt once more. "I don't care what it looks like. We do this, we do it naked."

A beat of silence is followed by a breathy "Aye Captain," which makes Steve a little dizzy. Sure, in the end Tony had accepted his leadership on the battlefield, but in this context it feels completely different.

When he looks up, Tony is smirking. "Oh. You liked that one." It's not a question, so Steve doesn't grace it with an answer. He simply pulls at the shirt once more, and Tony finally relents, lets him get it off.

It's really not as bad as Tony seems to think it is. Even in the dimness Steve can see the scarring, but it's all healed over, tender slivers of lighter shaded skin, barely noticeable. In the center, the arc reactor hums, drawing Steve's eyes. He doesn't reach for it, just stares. He can't imagine what having this kind of contraption lodged into the chest cavity feels like. Tony says nothing and the silence lingers.

"Right," Tony finally says when the silence has grown so large that Steve isn't sure how to break it. "You wanna shower first? Not that I’d mind being filthy for this..."

"Shower sounds good," Steve answers quickly, and when he catches Tony's hesitation, he reaches to squeeze his shoulder in a gesture that shouldn't be as awkward as it is. "You're fine, Tony. This…" he gestures at the arc-reactor, "is really not as bad as you made it sound…"

Tony wrinkles his nose like he doesn't believe it, his lips tilted downwards at the corners, but then he nods his head and leads Steve to the shower-room.

It's a massive room with more showerheads than Steve thinks a shower-room calls for, but he doesn't say so. The light here is oppressive, much brighter than the bedroom, and when Steve turns to the mirror he sees them standing right next to one another, shirtless, their torsos and faces speckled with bruises and scrapes, some deeper than others. He's about to say something, question their ability to do anything under these circumstances, but Tony wraps a firm hand around Steve's bicep and turns him away from the mirror.

"I’m fine. We’re both fine," Tony tells him, and it looks like he's ready to say more, but he closes his mouth before any more can come out.

Steve can't fathom this man at all. He shakes his head once and then nods it. "Alright."

They get rid of the rest of their clothes pretty quickly. Steve notes a twinge in his ribs and wonders if they're bruised or fractured, but then ignores it. He's healing. It'll pass soon and the water will help. When his eyes settle on Tony's body, it gives him pause. Sure he'd seen men naked before, but now the context is different, and he's not sure where to even start. Tony saves him the trouble and grins at him before turning to get the shower started.

They get under the water, and while Tony’s fiddling with the faucets, Steve watches as some of the scrapes on his back start bleeding, giving the water that rivulets down his body a faint pinkish hue. Steve's in completely new territory here. He'd never shared showers with anyone as a precursor to other things, and so he's resigned to following Tony's lead for now.

Slowly, Steve reaches for the sponge next to him and scrubs it over Tony's back, starting at his shoulders. At first they're general, long motions, but Tony flinches when the sponge snags and rubs over his wounds, so Steve adjusts his motions, gentles the scrubbing and dabs the sponge only lightly over the purpling areas. A soft sigh falls from Tony's lips, and Steve suspects he's not supposed to have heard that.

"Your touch feels nice," Tony says suddenly, snapping Steve out of his acute focus.

Steve isn't sure what to say to that. He inclines his head a little and then resumes his motions. "That's good," he replies at last, turning Tony gently to stand under the spray of water to help rinse off the soap. Tony's eyes are closed when Steve catches a glimpse of his face. Words like _trust_ and _vulnerable_ drift through his mind, but he doesn't comment on it.

"Wanna do mine?" he asks then, and Tony's eyes snap open. There is a beat, and somehow, the intense expression on Tony's face says everything. Steve reminds himself sternly that this is nothing more than friends helping each other out a little more intimately than he's used to, but he can’t help feeling the heat pool much lower in his body when Tony briefly presses their lips together.

Steve lets his hands rest on Tony's hips. He's almost dizzy with how surreal it all feels. Tony's eyes are set on his face once he pulls back, but Steve looks down instead, sees Tony's interest and feels himself blushing even more. His thumbs caress slow circles next to Tony's hipbone and he feels, already, that this is too much. He shouldn't be touching Tony so casually--intimately, but Tony sighs and leans a little into the touch.

He thinks, for a crazy moment, that this must be the slowest anyone's ever gone with Tony, then shoves the thought out of his mind.

"Look at you…” Tony breathes. He takes the sponge from Steve and lets it drop to the floor. “All slippery muscles in my shower…"

To say it's a bit of a surprise when Tony's hand wraps around his dick would be an understatement. It's fully hard, Steve's interest is pretty clear, and Tony seems pleased when Steve doesn't pull away. A few more shuddering breaths fall from Steve's lips before he reaches both hands to Tony's shoulders, trying to keep himself upright. "Perfect," Tony praises.

Steve doesn't look at him to see what kind of expression is on his face. It doesn't matter how Tony looks at him now. Tomorrow they'll be just associates again. There's no need to get overly attached.

"Don’t you want to touch me, too?" Tony coaxes gently, then. The tenderness he finds in Tony's face when he finally _does_ look up is so reassuring that Steve can't find it in himself to resent it. He nods faintly and slides his hand over Tony's chest, mindful to steer clear of the reactor. He wants to touch it, but he doesn't know how Tony'd feel about it.

Tony, in turn, lets out a breath of his own, and it's a fragile thing. Even as he speaks, a knot between Tony's brows tells Steve the truth. "You can touch that, too, but just--"

"No," Steve cuts in immediately. "You don't really want me to." And judging by the smoothing at the corners of Tony's eyes and his forehead, the lose of that pinched look, it's the right call. Maybe… Maybe some day Tony would trust him enough for that, but there's no point in pushing any unnecessary boundaries. "Let me…" he says then, sliding his hands along Tony's sides, his thumbs mapping out the outline of Tony's body until he reaches his hips again. He lets his right hand trail inwards along the lower abdomen before wrapping his fingers around Tony's hardened cock.

The breath all but bursts out of Tony in a gust, and he leans his forehead against Steve's shoulder. The hand not currently holding him intimately rests on Steve's bicep and squeezes lightly. "Yeah…."

Steve thinks this is probably where they forget about the shower. Later he will wonder how they could even get each other off in that condition, but at the moment he's just mesmerized by every tiny reaction from Tony at the slightest change in his grasp.

Tony makes the sweetest noises and his hips rock in time with Steve's motions. He doesn't reciprocate for the time being, but Steve isn't really paying attention to that anyway. Instead, he wonders if Tony's like this with Pepper, then shoves the thought down ruthlessly. Tony is clearly not _with_ Pepper right now.

When he gets Tony off, he's surprised at the stillness of it, the silence. Tony chokes back any sound he might've made, biting his lip and moving in light spasms against him. Steve himself tends to be quiet too, but he'd imagined Tony'd be a lot more extravagant about it. He wonders what kind of noise Tony would've made if he didn't insist on holding it back.

"Fuck… That was…" Tony mumbles, lips pressed against the hollow of Steve's shoulder. A moment later, he straightens and glances between them. Steve wishes he'd have finished that sentence, but when Tony looks at him next, he's grinning languidly. "Your turn."

When Tony's hand starts moving on him, Steve realizes just how turned on he is by the whole thing. He's as hard as he can ever remember himself being, and Tony's warm, calloused hands handle him just right. When he finally comes undone, he can feel Tony's eyes on him, and it only enhances the flush of completion. He sags a little against Tony after, distantly impressed that Tony is able to keep them upright.

They wash off the evidence and then dry off quickly. Steve feels changed, but he's not sure in what way. He follows Tony to the bedroom and they wear whatever they find in the cupboard. Steve doesn't ask Tony about the clothes, seeing as the place had been supposedly uninhabited, and simply puts them on.

After shaking off the rubble and dust from the bed covers, they get in and try to get comfortable. For a long moment, they lie down far from one another, before Tony sighs and rolls in close. "I got you off. The least you can do is cuddle me for a bit." The words make Steve laugh, and draw his arms around Tony, hugging him close.

This… all of it, somehow doesn't feel casual at all.

"Steve?" Tony asks, his voice quiet, as Steve feels himself drifting off. He gives a questioning hum. "Thank you."

That gets Steve's attention, but he figures it wouldn't do any good to question it, and just nods his head, letting his chin rub against the top of Tony's head. "Thank you, too."

In the morning, Tony's phone rings, waking them up. Pepper has arrived in New York and is looking for Tony. She's probably worried sick, Steve thinks, and tries to figure out the complex set of Tony's expression as he talks to her.

They part ways then, as Tony goes to see Pepper, and Steve goes to check up on the rest of their team. He tries not to look too closely at the new aching feeling in his chest, a feeling that is now nestled next to everything else Steve already carries.

It was nothing more than a one-time-thing, he tells himself.


	2. Sleeping With The Same Person Twice

Steve thinks, not for the first time, that the pizza delivery guy really ought to get the addresses right, and stop knocking at ungodly hours of the night. He opens the door, ready to ward off the intrusion, and then he's reduced to staring. It's only after a long moment that he remembers himself and moves out of the way, letting Tony into his humble apartment and closing the door behind him.

To say this is a surprise would be a severe understatement.

They hadn’t communicated much ever since Steve moved to DC, and after the big event with the Mandarin, there had been complete radio silence. It was nothing Steve hadn't expected, really. Whenever they’d talked, it had been strained and distant despite what had transpired between them. Perhaps Tony had been worried that Steve would talk to Pepper about it, or maybe it was just that their night together hadn't been so good for him. In any case, Tony had refused to meet, and eventually Steve stopped asking. And then Tony was gone.

But it turned out Tony _wasn't_ gone. He'd only let the whole world think so, including Steve. The news of his return had been a sigh of relief, but now Steve can't help but wonder, briefly and painfully, if there had been even a moment when Tony had thought about calling him for help.

"Coffee?" Steve offers when the silence had stretched long enough. Tony fidgets in his place, rocks onto his toes, then slides his weight back to his heels. He twists his lips and then gives a quick nod of the head. Steve turns from him and heads for the kitchen. If Tony wants to, he can follow, and if not, he can stay by the door. Steve sets his jaw and reminds himself that they are nothing more than acquaintances.

Tony shows up at the kitchen door a minute later and leans against the doorframe. He's not looking at Steve. Steve isn't looking directly at him, either. He pours out the coffee and turns to hand one mug to Tony before settling at the kitchen table.

"You're angry," Tony says by way of starting the conversation he clearly doesn't want to have. He steps around the table and sits down, and when Steve looks at him, he sees it. This is the last thing Tony needs right now, one more person he’ll have to apologize to. If Steve were a better person, perhaps he would've let it slide, but he still feels the burn of Tony’s absence in the back of his throat and he sips the coffee to forestall having to answer.

"Wouldn't blame you," Tony continues after a beat. "I mean, even I can admit I was a little flaky--"

"A _little_." Steve's tone is flat with disbelief. He sets the mug on the table lest he smash it in his fist and leans back, crossing his arms. Tony drinks in quiet, chugging down the coffee even though it's clearly too hot for that.

"Hey," Tony sounds tired when he says it, even as he puts considerable force into it. He leans forward, his hand flat on the table. "I never said it was going to be more than a one time thing."

"You never said anything about _what_ it was going to be," Steve counters, then tilts his chin up slightly. "And you're here now."

"Observant. I like that," Tony counters, forces a smile and imitates Steve's pose. The collar of the shirt Tony's wearing slides aside and Steve realizes something is off. Before he can ask about it, however, Tony continues talking. "It's exactly what you think it is, Rogers."

Steve sighs and takes Tony's mug from him. He turns to refill it at the counter before handing it back and settling back down across from him. Tony gives him a guarded look, and Steve quietly resents his automatic response. "And what do I think it is?"

Tony chews on his lower lip, contemplating the mug in front of him. "S'been a rough week," he finally says, defeated. "I need… I need…"

"Something Pepper can't give you."

Tony winces and Steve knows he hit the mark. When Tony lifts his gaze again, hesitant, he knows he can't refuse him. It's not even a matter of pity, or any warm and fuzzy emotion. He'd done this for Tony once, and even if it hadn't been a very thorough experience, it had left its mark. He'd do it if Tony'd need him to. There was only one thing to it, then.

"I'm not any more experienced today than I was the morning you left."

If the statement surprises Tony, he doesn't let it show. He shrugs and looks at Steve's coffee machine. He lifts the mug to his lips and drinks without looking down. Steve hasn't even taken a single sip, but now he can't even think about it. Tony finally glances at him with a rueful smile. "I can work with that… I was kinda hoping you'd top, anyway."

"Yeah?" Steve feels heat creeping down his nape and over his cheeks. He tries to remind himself that Tony had left him out of the loop for days--weeks, really. He’d let him worry and wallow in grief, but Steve can't hold onto that anger when Tony's looking so desperate. No amount of flippant demeanour can hide that he's teetering on an edge. Tony bites his lip, and Steve sighs. There was never really any hope for him to reject Tony. He gets to his feet and waits for Tony to do the same.

Tony approaches him, hesitates, and then reaches out a hand to grasp at Steve's sleep shirt. It's a careful motion, slow but constant, like he's waiting for Steve to pull back, but he stands his ground. A breath stutters out of Tony when he finally gets a good hold, his knuckles brushing against Steve's side through the material of the shirt.

"Alright," Steve says then, his voice soft as he reaches up to cover Tony's hand with his own. "Tell me what you need."

It's like Steve had spoken a magic word, because the tension simply bleeds out of Tony's body. He slumps forward against him, completely shattering whatever distance Steve had put between them, and he finds himself hugging Tony close before he'd made a conscious decision to do so. And with Tony's face pressing against his neck, Steve feels a sudden need to protect him. It's absurd… Tony can take care of himself… but…

"Okay," he hears himself whispering. "Come on.” He guides Tony to the bedroom. He's not even sure Tony's in the right mood for this, but at least he wouldn't have to worry about keeping him upright in here.

When he's got Tony to sit at the edge of the bed, Tony looks up at him, a hopeful gaze. His brown eyes are so expressive, Steve wonders how anyone can refuse this guy anything he wants. And, well, it might have something to do with infuriating personality and a tendency to never put into words what it _is_ he needs. Steve really wouldn't know either way, of course. He hasn't had the chance to spend much time with him. All he has to go by is that look and the utter desperation Tony had approached him with.

He kneels down and cups Tony's face carefully. Asking what Tony wants hasn't yielded any results, and Steve doesn't think asking again would have a different effect. So instead, he leans in to kiss him, a light touch of lips intended mostly to bring Tony back to the present. It seems to work, as Tony lets out a slow breath through his nose. Those eyes close, and the atmosphere shifts slightly. Steve thinks he can do this if it's Tony. He can give him whatever comfort he needs.

"Let me help you out of this," Steve says against Tony's lips, his hands reaching for Tony's shirt to start working it open. Finally, hands rest on his side, and Steve pulls a little back to offer a small smile. "Okay?" he asks as he pushes his hands under the shirt, reaching for his shoulders to slide the item off. Tony cooperates, sends him a wavering smile back and doesn't mention the disappearance of the blue circle from his chest. Steve doesn't comment on it either. He'd been curious, but a small part of him is relieved to see it gone.

Tony's eyes are lowered when Steve turns his gaze on him. He helps Tony get the sleep shirt off and lets it drop beside him. Tony feasts his eyes on the sight of him and Steve gets that now-familiar warmth in his belly at being so appreciated.

Tony leans in to deliver a kiss, now much more focused, full of tongue and desire, and it has Steve dizzy by the time it's over. He pulls himself up and onto his feet, determinedly not wavering as he watches Tony slide onto the bed more fully, and he follows him onto it, hovers above him on hands and knees, watches the low-riding jeans tease Tony's hip-bone so.

They get out of the rest of their clothes in short order, resettling on Steve's bed, and he lowers himself on top of Tony, lets their bodies slot against one another enticingly. He wants to savor this for as long as he can have it, but Tony soon starts writhing beneath him

"Steve…" he mutters against Steve's neck, nipping there boldly. "Not to rush you or anything but this old guy isn't getting any younger."

Steve snorts at that and pulls back to look at him. His heart is racing half in excitement half in dread, and he lets his eyes roam Tony's body as he settles on his heels. How is he ever going to live up to Tony's expectations? His breathing is shallow as he palms Tony's dick in slow, fluid motions and Tony arches a little off the bed, thrusting into his loose fist. "You're sure you wanna do this with…" Tony gives him a dazed look, but he has a raised eyebrow in obvious question. "With a virgin…?"

Tony eyes him a little more intently after this, reaches for his hand and pulls it to his face instead. He kisses every finger in turn, and then his palm, and Steve thinks this is oddly intimate. He's not sure if this even falls in the casual-sex definition, but he doesn't question it, either. Tony's looking at him like there's nothing else he'd want to look at right now. "Wouldn't be here if I thought you couldn't do it," is all he says, and Steve gulps and nods his head.

"You'll tell me?" he asks, letting his free hand caress along Tony's chest and side, unconsciously sidestepping where the arc reactor used to sit. Tony nods his head, looks amused and relieved in equal parts.

"What we need… it's in my back pockets," Tony says when Steve leans over to kiss him, and Steve pauses to take that in. He nods his head to show he got it and kisses Tony, sliding his tongue past his lips to taste him. His hands roam Tony's skin, and he's pleased when warm, callused hands slide up his rib cage and along his back. He presses down a little more, enjoying the way their bodies fit together, before finally pulling back and resting a hand on Tony's belly, to indicate that he should stay put. Tony follows him with his eyes, chest heaving, as Steve fumbles for the discarded pants to retrieve a couple of lube packets and a few condoms.

Well, whatever Tony's expecting, Steve hopes this is enough supplies. Tony makes a low humming sound under his breath, and Steve turns to him. The nerves play under his ribcage but he knows he can do it--Tony needs him to.

"Steve…" Tony's voice is hushed when Steve settles between his parted thighs, contemplating the packets of lube. "I can take care of this part--" He drops the sentence when Steve shoots him a look. He's never shied from a challenge before, and he's not going to start now. He gives a small smile then, lowering his gaze to Tony's groin.

"I can do it," he asserts, and Tony nods his head and makes himself comfortable, sprawling loose limbed before him. Steve swallows thickly and sets the supplies aside, letting his hands slide from Tony's abdomen and down his thighs, tracing along the inner thighs towards the center, but not touching him intimately yet. Instead, he pushes his hands lower, cupping Tony's ass. He watches his own hands, sees everything in the dim light. The hang of Tony's balls, the tightening at the base of his hardening cock, the trembling, tight ring of muscles. He slides his thumb gently from under Tony's balls towards the back, and Tony makes an obscene noise, drops his head on the bed.

Repeating the motion, Steve smiles. With a bit of his confidence restored, he reaches for a pack of lube and tears it open over his fingers, coats them with the slick, then reaches down to slide one against Tony's hole. A glance at his face and a short pause make Tony return the look. God, he's so tense… A jerky little nod of the head is all Steve needs before he presses his finger more firmly against him.

It slides in easier than he'd expected, and Tony hitches a breath, eyes falling closed as his legs part a little more. "Steve…" he whispers, drawing him in. Steve watches, mesmerized, at the way Tony's lips hang open and his brows furrow, and the wet heat engulfs his finger like velvet. He holds his breath and tries a second finger, and that makes Tony _moan._

Remembering himself a little, Steve presses deeper, twisting his fingers slowly, and it drives more delicious sounds out of Tony. He's tight, but there's plenty of give, and before long Tony's breathing, "More… Steve, more."

Steve considers adding another finger, and glancing at Tony, he realizes he can't really ask him. Tony's twisting the bedsheets in his hands and pressing his cheek to the cool mattress, so Steve just goes for it. It's a tighter fit, and Tony momentarily squeezes in surprise, his eyes snapping open and zooming on Steve, but the smile smeared on his face is welcoming, so he assumes that's answer enough. "Alright?" Steve asks despite himself, and Tony doesn't dignify that with a verbal answer, only gives a low groan when Steve crooks his fingers just so.

"More than," Tony finally manages on a pant, eyes lighting on Steve's hardness. "Mind getting that in me?" he asks, wiggling against Steve's hand, and Steve feels a twitch of anticipation down his spine and at the base of his cock. He nods his head and withdraws his fingers, reaching for a condom with his clean hand. He rips the foil open with his teeth and draws out the rubber, then rolls it on. Adding lube, Steve reaches for Tony again.

A quick rearranging of position puts Tony with his legs firmly wrapped around Steve's middle, and Steve's thighs supporting Tony's lower back, and this is it, he thinks as he starts to slide in. His first time is right here and now, with Tony, and it's not even out of any deep emotions and yet… It feels right. It feels like this is how it's supposed to be. Steve concentrates on the tight, molten heat surrounding him, and rests his head against Tony's shoulder.

Tony's hands are on his back, but they migrate to his face soon after, cupping his cheeks and forcing him to look back into those browns. "You're so… so good…" he praises, and Steve can't look away from those eyes, those lips, that intoxicated smile. When he's finally seated all the way inside, he takes a long moment to regain some semblance of control, both of his body and his emotions. His hands are set on Tony's hips, and when he jerks his pelvis forward, Tony groans again, bliss written on his face. "Yeah baby… Just like… that…"

"Okay," Steve answers, breathless, and leans down to trace kisses along Tony's neck. "I've got you."

These words have an unexpected effect on Tony, who stops squirming for a moment, melts against Steve's sheets with a low, relieved sound that verges on… on something Steve doesn't know how to name. The moment is gone within seconds, however, and the writhing comes back tenfold. Steve licks up Tony's neck towards his ear and starts up a steady, quick pace. Following his instincts seems like the way to go--it feels fantastic, and Tony's moans are like music to his ears.

Time sort of loses meaning for a while after that. All that matters is motion and sensation. The way Tony kneads Steve's ass, his soft little sounds, the smell of his sweat. Their bodies move like they were meant to fit like this, and Steve doesn't want it to end.

Tony doesn't seem to be much in a hurry either, but after a while he reaches down and pulls on his rock hard cock, his cries becoming more urgent, his movement more erratic, and before Steve knows it, Tony's gone, warmth coating their bellies in slow pulses. Steve is so far beyond the ability to withstand the sheer sensuality of it, that he takes only a few more thrusts to reach completion too. It's a full body experience, so much more intense than when he does it on his own, and he rolls with it, leaning heavily on Tony afterwards.

And then it's over. Steve slowly remembers himself, feels every part of his body in slow succession, takes his weight back on his elbows and turns to check on Tony.

"I don't believe you," Tony says in a slightly slurred tone after Steve withdraws from his body and disposes of the condom. He pauses on his way to retrieve tissues, and turns a questioning glance at Tony, who pulls himself onto his elbows to follow him around the room. "That can't possibly have been your first time."

A small uncertain smile touches Steve's lips at that. "Is that your way of complimenting a guy?" he asks, and settles down to help clean up the lube and cum as carefully as he can. Tony seems surprised, but lets him do it anyway. He's lying absolutely boneless in the center of Steve's bed and for a brief insane moment the thought _just as he should be_ drifts through Steve's mind. He pushes those words down along with anything that goes with them and concentrates on what he's doing. Tony doesn't answer his question, only reaches for him when he's done, like a drowning man.

So Steve obliges him--he really ought to learn how to refuse this kind of silent request, only he knows he can't--and lies down beside him, wrapping Tony up in a full body hug. For a long moment neither of them speak, and Steve concentrates on the wet, warm puffs of breath against his collarbone.

"I shouldn't be here," Tony says eventually. And as if to dispute this, his arms tighten around Steve's middle. "Just…" He tilts his head, pressing his forehead to Steve's chest with a little too much force. "Just… I…"

"Shh…" Steve stops him when he feels him start to shake, rubbing a soothing palm along Tony's back. "I don't regret it. I don't know why you chose to come here, but I don't regret it, and neither should you, okay?"

Tony takes a long moment to process this, and then nods his head against Steve's skin. "I don't deserve this," he admits, sounding wrecked, and Steve realizes maybe Tony just needs to say this, even though it's impossibly hard, so he waits it out. "I just didn't know where to go… I couldn't…" He takes a short breath. "I couldn't face sleeping alone another night."

It knocks the breath out of Steve, but when he thinks to speak, Tony's hold tightens. "Don't. Don’t pity me."

He doesn't even know why Tony thinks he would, but he stays quiet anyway, says nothing and just holds him. If Tony needs that warm body, and he trusts Steve enough for this… Well. Steve can handle that. He'd help a friend in need, even if Tony hadn't treated him so great after the previous time.

They drift off to sleep like this, and in the morning Tony wakes him up with a hand on his dick. Steve doesn't ask himself why, but he goes along with it anyway, and when he ushers Tony out of his apartment later, he's proud about the slight stall in Tony's step and the marks on his neck.

Pepper would have to live with it. She'd agreed to this, hadn't she?


	3. Foregoing Protection

Tony visits again after their first proper time together. Once in a couple of weeks he shows up, no explanations, no questions. Sometimes they watch a movie first, sometimes Steve makes him have a light meal, but the real constant is their hot tumble in bed. They always end up having sex, one way or another. They don't always go all the way, but they indulge in each other's bodies, and a part of Steve knows he shouldn't be encouraging this, but he can't help himself when Tony shows up at his doorstep. 

He's falling for the guy, and it terrifies him.

Tony never tells him what he's up to, not in this space that's strictly off-business, but Steve knows he's busy, knows he's not getting as much sleep as he should be getting. He also knows Tony isn't eating properly and that his frantic mind is still racing most of the time, even though he doesn't show it. Once, he even gets an anxiety attack as they head for Steve's bedroom. It's the one time they don't actually do anything other than cuddle, and it leaves Steve with a gnawing worry in the pit of his stomach, but there's nothing he can do about it.

Thor makes a brief and destructive appearance in England, and by the time Steve makes it to New York to pick up Tony, the battle had already ended. They watch the news feeds in Tony's workshop, and Steve finally has a chance to see where Tony works. He'd known Tony had renovated his Tower, but nothing is quite as impressive as seeing it firsthand. Tony pretends like he isn't smug about how much Steve admires the technology, but Steve's spent too much time with him by now not to notice. It's… adorable.

Nothing happens between them that day. Steve assumes Pepper's proximity is making Tony nervous, but he doesn't question it, and drives himself back home. A few days later, Tony shows up at his doorstep again, and it's just as well.

~

Steve heads out of the hospital on his own two feet only a day after effectively bringing down SHIELD. It'd been a close call, but as long as he has pulse, his body can fix itself. He tends not to dwell on it longer than necessary. Instead, he focuses on Sam's report regarding what happened after he'd gone under. That is, ultimately, what has him heading for Stark Tower on his bike.

His brain feels full of buzzing, unrelenting thoughts. Bucky's appearance, the endless fighting, his own team turning on him, letting go of his shield, accepting that he may actually die by the hands of who used to be his closest friend on the planet… And of course Tony's part in rescuing him, even salvaging his shield… It all clogs up his mind with too much feeling. He wants to believe this has nothing to do with the reason he's going to meet Tony, but honestly, who is he fooling?

He shows up at the Tower and finds his way to the elevators. JARVIS tells him Mr. Stark will be with him shortly, and directs the elevator to the right floor. The doors open and Steve waits, unsure of his welcome as he sees Tony standing there.

"Hi Cap," Tony greets with a flimsy smile. He's panting, probably winded from rushing over. Steve doesn't mention it. "Come on in," Tony offers with a wave, stepping closer to show him out of the elevator, and Steve jerks into motion. He lets Tony lead him to the lowered sitting area and stands a bit awkwardly, his gaze darting in every direction. He isn't even sure what he came here for, now that Tony is right next to him. Thanking him seems like a strange thing to do now.

"Sit," Tony instructs with a smile, a hand at the small of his back, ushering him closer to the couch, and Steve goes without question. He sits down, eyes settling on his hands. "Don't move," Tony then says as he heads out of the room. He returns quickly with a bottle of water in hand. "Drink." 

Steve glances at the bottle, then up at Tony's face, trying to get a read on him even as he reaches for it. He looks away when he drinks, then caps the bottle. Having something else to put his mind to actually helps him relax a little, so he doesn't startle when Tony sits next to him.

Tony keeps his demeanour easy, nudges his shoulder with his own. "Like what I did with the place?" he asks lightly. 

"Yeah," Steve replies, lifting his eyes to take in his surroundings again. Here he is, wallowing in the weird mindset of near-death experience, while Tony is somehow able to make it all better just by being there. He wants to say something about that, but how? Bracing himself, gives a brief nod of the head. "Tony I… Thank you." 

"Thank me?" Tony asks, surprised. 

"I heard what you did. Sam told me they had to pry you off me to let the EMTs do their job. And my shield..." 

"Well," Tony pulls a face, looking embarrassed, and promptly downplays it. "You know, JARVIS has state of the art sensors…"

"And you stayed at the hospital until he chased you off," Steve presses, because to save him, that's sort of expected of superheroes, but to stick around after is a special gesture. It gives Steve a sense of hope he really ought not encourage, but can't help himself.

"When you put it like that…" Tony looks uncomfortable, and Steve reminds himself he's not here for warm fuzzy feelings, and that Tony wouldn't welcome those either way. He forces a subject change.

"I'm not here for this," he cuts in, inhaling and then holding his breath to steady himself. He settles the bottle on the glass table. That's when Tony's expression shifts. He eyes Steve's hands, which are just clenched into fists out of habit, and then his gaze trails up Steve's arms. He's just about ready to give up hope and leave when Tony meets his eyes meaningfully. That's enough to ease his mind a little, even as Tony gets to his feet. 

"Walk with me," he offers, and Steve stands up immediately. 

Tony hesitates only a minute before leading Steve to his bedroom, where Steve assumes Pepper sleeps as well, whenever she's at the Tower. He doesn't ask Tony about it--even he knows it'd be in poor taste.

The door closes behind them, and Steve reaches for him immediately. Tony seems to be delighted by this development as lips press to Steve's own and hands fist in their clothes. Steve feels his own strength strumming under his tight control. He shoves Tony onto the bed a little too forcefully, and Tony bounces a little ways across it, and it's unnerving. What if he loses control and hurts Tony? He stares at him, overwhelmed and uncertain, until Tony pushes himself onto his elbows and gives him a quizzical look.

"I can't," Steve whispers, rubbing his palms along his pants nervously. "I'll hurt you." Which he can tell Tony doesn't believe for a second. He shakes his head and gestures at Steve with one hand. 

"You won't hurt me, come on… You know you won't," he beckons, and despite his hesitation, Steve moves, props a knee on the edge of the bed, then relents. He discards his shoes before coming to kneel between Tony's legs. He's shaking faintly, and Tony reaches over to place his hands over Steve's forearms. "Hey."

"Yeah…" Steve answers, taking a deep breath, and then another. He leans down, watching Tony's face intently, before pressing their lips together. And it's like the tension just rolls off him with that simple touch. The kiss now is far more tentative, since he's trying to be extra careful. 

"I'm not made of glass," Tony whispers against Steve's lips, a soft smile pressing against Steve's own. That's an improvement in and of itself. 

"Alright," Steve replies, and turns his attention to Tony's clothing, divesting him of every last trace of fabric methodically. Tony soon puts his attention to returning the favor. Once they're naked, Steve kisses him for real. Deep and hungry and breathtaking. 

"Can I…" Steve mumbles at one point right into Tony's mouth, and he nods his head quickly, unwinding his legs from Steve's thighs. 

"In the first drawer," Tony tells him, then adds "Lights to 30%," which immediately dims the light in the bedroom to a nice, unoppressive level. Steve finds it soothing.

He untangles from Tony with a small smile and shifts to the side, When he opens the drawer he easily finds a tube of lube, but there're no condoms to be found. He pauses, tries to reach deeper into the drawer and coming up with nothing. Finally, he glances at Tony. "Uh." 

"Uh?" Tony's attention snaps onto him. "What uh." 

"Where do you keep the condoms?" Steve asks as he tosses the tube of lube onto the bed and straightens. He's hot all over, and when he looks at Tony he catches him licking his lips absently. It takes him taking a moment too long to understand the question. 

"We should have some…" Tony trails off, and something dawns on his face. "Oh.”

Apparently they have a problem.

They stare at each other for a moment, and Tony's gaze slides over to the tube of lube. Steve knows he can't possibly get or contract anything, but would never suggest going without. He knows better than that, they’re not in a relationship, and this would be far too intimate, since--

"Forget the condoms," Tony says with an air of finality and Steve raises an eyebrow at him. 

"You can't be serious…"

"Totally serious, Steve. I don't have any here and I am not letting you leave without having that in me." He gestures to Steve's hard-on for emphasis and Steve downright  _ blushes _ , his face heating up impossibly while his dick jerks hopefully.

A tense moment later, he ducks his head with a smile and returns to Tony's side, sidles up next him, and presses his entire body against Tony's. He wants this so much, and now that he thinks of it, there really would be no harm in going without. He reaches down and closes his hand around Tony's cock, next, giving a few short, firm strokes. "Mind turning over?" 

Tony seems incapable of minding anything when Steve has his hand on his person like that, and after a few more strokes, Steve takes pity on him and keeps his hand still for a moment. Tony flexes his hips a little in an attempt to get the friction back, but Steve moves with him, and when Tony looks at him again, Steve smiles encouragingly.

He nudges Tony's side gently, and Tony sets into motion without a word, settles on his knees and elbows. It's not the first time they've done this position, but it's a rare one between them. Tony looks over his shoulder as Steve watches the pure grace that is Tony's backside.

He rests hands rest on Tony's waist, thumbs pressing slightly on either side of his spine, then rubs downwards. Tony's head drops onto the bed and he suppresses a sigh. This obviously feels good, so Steve keeps it up for a minute. He likes touching Tony like that whenever they are together like this. He shouldn't be letting himself get this close, but he knows it may be too late for that. The thought gets shoved aside a moment later, and Steve lets his hands move to spread Tony a little and oh God that is a lovely sight.

"You look so good like this," he says in a hushed, reverent tone, feeling arousal rising within him. Tony keeps quiet, only letting out unintelligible sounds as Steve starts to work him open. With a little more experience under his belt, Steve's found he's acquired a certain finesse and an acute awareness of Tony's reactions. It doesn't take long to get Tony ready, and Steve can admit he's impatient to get on with it.

The hot, intolerably sensual slide of him inside makes Tony groan and grind back. He takes Steve in as far as he'll go. It's always a breathtaking moment, and Steve has to control how firmly he's gripping onto those tempting hips. Tony in turn relaxes more and more, muscles loosening all along his back. Steve is shaking faintly as he drapes himself over Tony's back and presses his hips tighter to Tony's rear. He can feel Tony's pulse and how his dick pulses inside him in kind. Tony lets out a low moan at that. "Steve…"

Steve nods, though he’s unsure of how to express the kind of sensation that burying himself hilt deep inside Tony with no barrier between them gives him. Tony buries his face in the mattress and clenches around him briefly, making Steve groan.

He starts moving soon after this, fast paced, rougher than he'd intended, but Tony only throws his head aside and matches the pace with ease. He sees Tony reaching down to palm himself in time with Steve's motions, his eyes tightly shut and concentration at a peak. 

"To..Tony…" Steve sounds wrecked even in his own ears, and Tony pulls faster. They're both already close, but Steve is closer, and Tony seems to know that. He shifts into gear, moving more quickly to match Steve's pulls while clenching around him. 

It's over before Steve knows it. His motions verge on violent as he shoves in again and again, He's only vaguely aware of Tony reaching climax, since he's busy crying out Tony's name. He almost misses the rippling sensation around himself, too focused on his own release, but it's there, in the background, adding that much more to the pleasure already mounting inside him. 

Steve slumps down on Tony's back, but soon Tony's muscles start shaking with strain, and so he takes his weight back onto his own hands. He kisses Tony's nape as he pulls out, and then crashes on the bed beside him. Tony carefully lowers himself down as well, sidelining the wet spot. Steve wraps his arms around Tony, tucking his face against Tony's nape. 

He's completely sated, enjoying the warm embrace. Tony lies boneless against him, and it's enough. Steve nuzzles against his neck fondly. "That was really something…" he whispers against Tony's ear, feeling Tony shudder against him.

"Wanna talk about it?" Tony says abruptly, pressing further against Steve. "SHIELD, I mean. That little fiasco was…"

"Is that how you cope?" Steve breathes against his neck, amused but also a bit outraged. To belittle what had happened like that is just… unfathomable. "Make everything sound small even when it's not?" 

Tony shrugs. "Maybe. Maybe I don't know what went down there and that's why." When Steve doesn't answer, Tony shifts in place and turns over, wrapping an arm around his middle as he presses his face against Steve's neck. "You could just tell me, you know."

It takes Steve another moment of hesitation before he caves, and starts talking. He tells Tony about his last couple of days in slow, halting sentences. He can hardly believe his own tale half the time, and for the rest of it, subdued rage tries to lift its head at him. In between, he just feels lost. 

It's worst when Steve talks about Bucky. He has to stop a few times, swallow down some of the grief and pain. Tony just listens to his story in quiet, then asks general questions, getting an idea of what had actually happened. In return, Steve eventually tells Tony about the night Tony’s parents died. He feels Tony has the right to know, even if it'll hurt. He keeps his hold on him true for the entire duration, even though whatever Tony's feeling about this, he's doing a good job hiding it.

When Steve eventually grows quiet, Tony nudges an elbow gently against Steve's side. "You should stay the night," he says. 

Steve doesn't answer immediately. "You usually stay the night," he says carefully, a little confused. It had seemed like what was going to happen anyway, but there's something about being offered the kindness, he realizes. 

Steve presses his chin to Tony's head as tension leaves him again. He only moves when Tony starts dozing off, to reach back into the drawer and pull out some tissues and wet wipes. It takes no time to get cleanup done, and then they finally settle down for the night. Their embrace is warm and sleepy, and Steve thinks, as he falls asleep, that if he could have Tony to himself like this, he would never let him go.

~

Steve wakes up with a start. If he'd dreamed anything, the cobwebs of it are gone instantly as he takes in his surroundings. There's an unfamiliar bed and a warm body pressed to his own. Usually he wouldn't mind it, knowing it's Tony would put him at ease, but something is off today. Maybe the lighting, or the feeling that he's being watched. 

He cracks an eye open to look around, and spots red hair and a white suit before his mind catches on and he scrambles to hold the covers closer around himself, glad for the fact they apparently covered themselves at some point at night. He moves to sit up, clutching the fabric tightly to himself as he lets his gaze settle on the woman standing in front of them. The movement wakes up Tony, who mumbles something about it being too damn early.

"Tony," Steve whispers urgently, and Tony's eyes slide open to look at him.

"What…" And Steve can tell the exact moment Tony realizes what's happening by the way he freezes up. Steve doesn't even dare look at Pepper again. Of all the things Tony had ever said about Pepper, and he hadn't said much at all, the one thing Steve remembers best is that they have one strict rule: 'don't let me find you with someone else'. 

And they have… tragically just broken it. Steve feels  _ terrible _ . 

"Pep-" Tony starts, but she holds up a hand to forestall whatever he's going to say. 

"Steve," she says in what he has to assume is a deceptively calm tone. "I need to speak with Tony. In private." She offers a tight smile when he braves a glance her way. "I'll be in the living room," she says, addressing this to Tony, then turns on her heels and leaves. Steve stares after her for a minute before turning his attention to Tony. 

Tony's gaze snaps to him and for a moment there's unconcealed dread in his ashen features. Steve wonders if this will be the end of Tony's relationship with Pepper, and his heart sinks at the thought. The last thing he'd ever wanted to do was ruin things for Tony with his girlfriend. He'd only agreed to it because he'd been satisfied knowing Pepper was alright with something like this, but now it… it looks bad. 

"Tony…" he tries, not even sure what he wants to say, but Tony's eyes light on him for a minute, before he lowers his gaze and shakes his head. 

"You heard her." 

"Yeah," Steve says, still looking at him. "Will you be… okay?" 

Tony doesn't answer immediately. When he does, he keeps his gaze far away. "You know it."

So Steve stalls only a moment longer. He's not sure what's allowed now, and doesn't want to push it, but the idea of leaving like this makes him incredibly uncomfortable. He reaches for Tony's face, presses the back of his fingers to Tony's cheek briefly, then takes his hand away before Tony can react. Brown gaze settles on him at last as he slides out of bed and dresses slowly. Tony eventually starts putting on clothes as well.

"So…" Steve says when he's dressed and ready to leave. Tony waits, pausing mid-motion. "I'll… talk to you later?" 

"Yeah," Tony answers, and it's sharp edged. Steve's not sure what to make of it, but he nods his head and turns from Tony. 

All the way to the elevator, he hopes Tony would stop him somehow, but once the doors close--and he thanks Tony's design for allowing him to make it to the elevator without passing through the living room--it's over. He's carried down to the parking lot and drives out of the Tower. Soon he's far enough that he can only see the topmost floors when he turns to look back. 


	4. Lying

Steve moves into the Tower a couple of weeks later. He's not sure how exactly it happened, but suspects it has something to do with his own apartment not feeling safe anymore. Or the many new holes it sports now. In any case, Sam is being politely but very clearly fed up with his constant presence at his home, so Steve figures it’s time for a change of scenery. 

The reason Tony contacted him at all after what had happened with Pepper, Steve thinks, is because Thor had asked for the Avengers' help with recovering the lost scepter, and that meant Steve had to be brought in, too. 

He's still on the lookout for Bucky, and Sam works on it from his own place. And as Steve settles himself into one of the floors of the Tower, he can't help but ask himself  _ how long _ until his life gets sent into a whirlwind of change again. If anything ever seemed constant in his life, it's change. He isn't a big fan of that, but he adapts to the circumstance as well as he can.

One by one, the other Avengers trickle back. Natasha's calm assurance, Clint's cracks and Bruce's nervous energy help Steve feel a little more human. Thor shares a comradery with him that he sometimes feels is undeserved, but he decides to let himself have this. And Tony…

He doesn't know how to deal with Tony, really. They don't speak very often, and most of their interaction is constrained to when everyone else is present. Tony keeps to his own spaces and spends most of his time with Bruce, and a few months in, they introduce Veronica to the team. 

They train, they run a few recon missions, Steve puts aside his search for Bucky for until after this issue is resolved, and Natasha starts taming the beast. He's still unconvinced about her being the only team-member who can do it, but keeps his doubts to himself. Thor becomes more agitated as time passes. They attack Hydra base after Hydra base but none of them hold the coveted scepter.

And Steve is relieved that he can keep to himself most of the time. He hasn't seen Pepper since the unfortunate morning-after, but he doesn't really visit Tony's floor… at all, so that doesn't mean anything. And besides, Tony and Pepper had spent a lot of their time apart even before, right? 

If Steve sneaks longing looks at Tony when no one is looking, well, that's his own business. Tony is doing well for himself, and he looks to be okay with keeping a distant friendship with him. 

Steve can live with that, he tells himself.

Of course, that whole theory goes to shit when they finally do find the scepter. 

When two days have passed and neither Tony nor Bruce have left the workshop, Steve and the others put their foot down and drag them out. Bruce is ushered to the common floor, and Steve takes Tony to his own floor. It might be his own wishful thinking, but Tony seems grateful for the distraction. He looks… awful, really. 

"Have you slept at all?" Steve asks as he leads him to the kitchen. Tony stays quiet as Steve fixes him a light dinner. Any of the Avengers could've seen that something's bothering Tony, but Steve suspects no amount of pressure would get him to share his concerns. 

Tony eats like his only sustenance the past couple of days consisted of energy bars, and Steve isn't sure that's that far from the truth. He doesn't voice his thoughts on the matter, just busies himself with the dishes and cleanup until Tony's done. Then, he leads Tony to the living room and asks him mundane questions about the party they plan to host and about his project. 

"It's a security measure," is all Tony has to say about the project. They sit much closer than they had in the past couple of months, and Steve wants… he wants so  _ much… _

Tony grabs his wrist to pull his full attention back to the here and now, and Steve looks at him quizzically. "Steve."

"Tony?" he asks, and god does he sound hopeful. What's  _ wrong _ with him? Tony clearly wants nothing to do with him, anymore… The past months are such a striking evidence for that, but when he looks at Tony's face, he sees the familiar desperation. He finds the same old need there that had gotten him to do whatever Tony wanted, before. 

"I need…" Tony starts saying, but then blinks, pulls a little back. There’s a guilty look on his face and Steve wants to just  _ grab him _ . And then Tony says "Sorry, I shouldn't…" and Steve just goes for it. He takes hold of Tony's forearm, his free hand cupping Tony's cheek, and he kisses him. It's a chaste, light kiss. If Tony wants to break it, it shouldn't be a problem, but Tony stays. He doesn't even look shocked, just incredibly relieved, as he leans into the touch. 

So many questions linger in Steve's mind. About Pepper and about Tony being here and about what happened to Tony inside that HYDRA base, but mostly, about the meaning of all of this. He doesn't voice any of it. Instead, he lets his tongue play along Tony's lower lip, gratified when he's allowed access. He makes the most of the situation at hand, a small sound leaving him when Tony touches him tentatively. 

When they break for air, Tony looks a little less of a mess, but when their eyes meet, he still hesitates. "Do you…" he asks, and Steve has a momentary urge to drag the full question out of him. They both know things hadn't been so great between them, and they also know that is mostly Tony's doing. Still, he decides to take pity, or well, not push for more than he's offered.

"If you want to," he says, and lets his smile show that he's okay with whatever Tony wants. Decisively, Tony gets to his feet and pulls on Steve's hand. He obliges, and stifles a chuckle as Tony pulls him towards the apartment's bedroom with a petulant stomp. Tony's hand is warm in his, and delicate hope blooms in his heart.

~

"Steve." 

He comes awake easily, and so unlike his usual mornings, he feels completely relaxed. Tony's voice is gentle, and that in itself is soothing. His eyes open and he regards Tony, already dressed, standing beside the bed. He's wearing a sad little smile, and Steve bites back the question that comes to mind. Tony wouldn't answer it, anyway. "Leaving already?" he asks instead. 

"You know I'm so close to that breakthrough… I have to get back to work." He seems to be genuinely regretful about this, so Steve doesn't press the issue.

"What time is it?" Steve asks then, glancing to the bedside clock. "Well, I never thought you were an early riser," he admits, sending a smile at Tony when he looks back his way. "If you need anything before the party tonight, let me know."

"It's all taken care of, Cap," Tony says crisply as Steve shuffles out of bed and into some clothes. "I'll see you there?" 

"You did promise revels," and that urges a chuckle out of Tony. It's so nice to see him smile occasionally. Steve doesn't even manage to complete this thought as the smile falls off Tony's face.

"Right, well. I'll be off."

"Good luck, Tony." 

Tony turns and steps out then, and Steve acutely feels the absence of… something. He knows  _ what _ is missing but keeps thinking if he doesn't give it voice, maybe he can keep hold onto what little he has. 

A while later, after a quick wash up and reconsideration of clothing choices, he heads to the common floor. There's no one present, and Steve considers his breakfast options, when his phone pings out a message tone. Apparently, Sam has already arrived in NYC. Steve smiles as he calls him and they set to meet at one of the cafes in the Tower's area.

As soon as Sam sees him, his smile quirks up a few notches and he leans over to elbow Steve’s side. "Man, if I'd known I wouldn't have called you out so early. Who's the lucky lady?" 

A rueful smile takes hold of Steve's face as he settles down beside Sam, and he's grateful for the mug and toasted bagel settled before his seat. Apparently Sam already ordered his favorite breakfast for him. His chest still twinges with the familiarity of it. This is exactly how Bucky would've acted, to the T. "It's uh… It wasn't a lady," he admits quietly, and takes a sip while Sam loses his shit equally quietly next to him. 

"Seriously?" Sam asks urgently, and Steve shrugs with a glance over. 

"I thought it was generally acceptable these days." 

"Yeah dude, but this is  _ Captain America _ we're talking about here!" If anything, he looks excited. Steve sets down his coffee and turns towards him.

"No, Sam. That's  _ me _ we're talking about. Steve Rogers. Captain America doesn't factor into it at all." 

Perhaps it's the serious tone of his voice that mellows down Sam's enthusiasm, or maybe it's something in his expression, but Sam settles down all the same, holding his hands out in a mild placating pose. "Alright, whatever you say."

Which holds for all of a minute before Steve realizes Sam is practically vibrating with curiosity. He rolls his eyes and takes a few bites out of the bagel, just to torture him a little more, before finally relenting. 

"It's not… It isn't serious. Just casual-" 

"Casual sex?!" Sam is so outraged he hardly remembers himself enough not to shout that out. Steve is pretty sure at least a few people are glancing over, irritated, and he lowers his head a little. "Steve!" Sam whisper-shouts, and Steve sighs.

"It's complicated, okay? Clearly, I can't tell you things in public…"

"Things! Steve, this is… You're not…" It takes Sam two more tries before he just shakes his head. "I don't know where to even  _ start _ ." 

"How about  _ not here _ ," Steve offers, then hastily finishes his coffee and food, watching Sam fuming as he chews his food furiously. They end up leaving soon after, going back to the Tower. 

Sam can hardly contain himself until they make it to Steve's apartment, but then the stream of words just starts flowing right at Steve. 

"Steve, you are  _ not _ the casual type!" Sam's managed to bring his tone down to a speaking level, but it's clear he'd be shouting it at Steve if he'd thought it would matter. "Look man, we haven’t known each other very long, but I know you enough, okay?" Steve takes it and stands his ground, or, well, goes to get something for them to drink and then shows Sam to his living room. All that while Sam continues talking.

"Who is it, anyway? Where does a guy like you even find a casual partner? And I thought you didn't have much experience? You can't tell me you actually went out there looking for a fling. I won't buy it." 

When Steve is certain the flood has ended, he watches Sam, eyebrows raised, and then shakes his head. "You're right, I'm not the type. I didn't exactly go out looking for it, and uh…" His face heats as he considers if he should admit this or not, but then he figures Sam wouldn't give him too hard a time over it. "I don't have much experience, still. I only had the one partner." 

Sam stops then, eyes him suspiciously. He probably notices Steve's evasion, but what can he do? Part of why Tony had asked him in the first place was because he'd assumed Steve wouldn't tell anyone. He can't break that trust. "Steve."

"I can't." 

"It's Stark, isn't it?" 

And really, Steve isn't a great liar. He wouldn't even try with Sam, but he's just so surprised that his mouth hangs wide open. "What? How did you--" 

"You need to be discreet and it's a man. Bruce Banner can't have sex, Clint is straight as an arrow, and Thor has a girlfriend." Sam's deadpan is as painful as it is accurate.

"Tony has a girlfriend too," he tries, weakly, but Sam shakes his head.

"Maybe, but we don't see him with her as often, and Thor wouldn't have minded if you told anyone." 

"You should consider a career change," Steve says on a sigh and leans back against his couch, bringing the heels of both hands to his eyes to try and block out some of the emotion that's taking over. What is he doing telling Sam at all?

"I won't tell anyone, you know," Sam reassures him, and Steve lowers his hands, glances over. Sam is smiling like he'd just found a treasure, and Steve groans. This is  _ not _ how he'd expected to tell Sam about this at all. "But, Steve," Sam speaks again, this time serious as he puts a hand on his shoulder. "Seriously, you sure you're okay like this?" 

"Like how?"

Sam stares at him a minute longer, then shakes his head. "Never mind," he says, and finally changes the subject. Still, the unsettled feeling Steve had harbored since breakfast is amplified, but he really does prefer they don't talk about his potential heartbreak. 

Because Sam is right about one thing. Steve is anything but the casual type.

~

The party is in full swing when Thor pours him a special beverage. He doesn't expect much, but then, it's something that should affect Thor so maybe it could work? He sniffs the glass, then takes a sip. And then he downs the whole glass and sets it down on the table. Thor laughs heartily beside him and claps his shoulder.

The drink is strong, and he can feel it working. It's been so long since anything had worked on him like this. By now that must've been at least five years. He excuses himself from the table of veterans and goes to seek out Sam. Every now and again he spots Tony mingling, speaking to one guest or the other. And how nice he looks in that suit, with his easy demeanour and sharp glances. The urge to kiss him takes over Steve's mind again. 

Maybe he can get some time alone with him after the party, he muses, just as Sam sidles up to him and takes him by the elbow. He updates Steve on the search for Bucky, and then drifts off to other topics. And after about ten minutes, he laughs, cutting into Steve's buzzing thoughts. "What?"

"Man… You've been giving him doe eyes all night. Could you be any more obvious about it?" 

And Steve is mortified, God, he hopes he isn't  _ that _ obvious. He can't do that to Tony. He turns his attention on Sam, genuinely startled, but Sam grabs him by the arms and shakes him once. "I'm kidding. You're only obvious because I know about it." 

Steve breathes out evenly, fingers flexing out and he realizes he'd clenched his fists so hard his fingers feel a little stiff. "I shouldn't have told you." 

"Are you kidding me? This is the most interesting thing to happen in my life since we took down SHIELD last year." 

Steve laughs at that, because really… That had been something else. He thinks maybe having someone to share his doubts with isn't so bad after all. "Wanna know the worst part?" he asks quietly. Sam just waits, watching him. Steve is half sure Sam already knows what he's going to say. 

"You're right," he admits then, feeling his face scrunching into a wistful expression. "I can't really do casual. I want… more." 

"From Tony Stark."

"Yes, from Tony Stark," Steve affirms, giving Sam a small smile. "And he's got his girlfriend, so that's really-"

"Not an option, huh?" Sam completes his sentence. He considers this a moment, then frowns. "Why not, though? Are you sure Pepper's even still…" He trails off, seems to consider his words, then changes tactics. "You should at least try. Maybe if you asked him, he'd surprise you?"

Steve shrugs. "I don't know. Do you think I should?" he asks, glancing over to where Tony is at the moment, laughing with a bunch of rich people on the other end of the party vicinity. 

"At the very least, don't you think he deserves to know where you stand?" Sam offers, and Steve thinks that is a very good point. He nods his head, and Sam pats his shoulder. "Try it some time." 

"Maybe some time," Steve echoes, letting his hands close around the railing. The coolness of the metal helps ground him a little. The fuzz is already clearing, but he'd enjoyed that little reminder of how alcohol can make him feel. "Thanks, Sam."

"Any time." 

~

Steve doesn't get to fool around with Tony after the party. In fact, he doesn't even get to keep the fond, delicate atmosphere that had hung between them just that morning. Instead he finds out that Tony had spent the past couple of days building… building  _ something _ behind everyone's backs--behind Steve's back! He wants to be angry at him so badly, but they can't afford to be sidetracked anymore. They put their combined efforts together to get an idea of where to find Ultron, and things just keep on getting worse.

Before he knows it, they're on the run. 

Steve thinks, in between tormented moments of guilt about his performance during the battle, that he's getting awfully tired of being a fugitive. His struggles to push down the vision Wanda had given him are futile. Once more, he remembers how different his life could’ve been and that he'd missed that chance when he went under in the Valkyrie. And now he's stuck here, in the future. His heart is confused and aching for something he can't have--a home.

After perhaps an hour or two of poor sleep, they land near some forest in the countryside, with a farmhouse and a barn and all, and find out Clint really is as straight as Sam had assumed. He’s got it all: A wife, kids, the whole nine yards. Steve tries for a minute to envision himself sticking around inside the farmhouse, having to face everything he could've had, and it makes him feel sick. 

Later on, it's Tony who finds him sitting just outside the borders of Clint’s property. He's a nervous wreck, Steve doesn't even need to look at him to know, but at the moment he can't really accommodate that. He's too busy fighting through a fog of ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’ and worst of all, ‘would haves’. He doesn't break the silence, simply prods the ground with a stick he'd found earlier. Tony makes a sniffling sound and turns on his heels.

"Come on, Cap. There's a shower and a meal with your name on it, and Mrs. Barton has assured me our bedroom should be ready in time for lights out."

"Our bedroom?" Steve turns to him then, surprised. Tony's doing his level best to appear nonchalant, but Steve has seen him lose control plenty of times in bed before, and he can recognize the signs by now. Still, he's not sure whether Tony's pleased or upset about this turn of events. 

"Small house," Tony says with a shrug, and starts treading towards the house. "Food's getting cold." 

Steve's stomach grumbles, reminding him it's been a while since he's eaten a proper meal, and he pulls himself up to follow Tony. 

The meal passes in complete and utter silence. None of the Avengers are in a mood to share their thoughts, and Steve is beyond relieved. He feels no particular affinity towards sharing anything right now. 

When Bruce goes to shower first, no one challenges him, and Natasha heads up to the bedroom assigned for her and Bruce, too. Whatever excuse she'd used, Steve doesn't quite care. After Fury’s sudden appearance and their discussion on how to face Ultron next, they retire for a few hours of shuteye.

The door shuts behind Steve, and he watches as Tony takes in their assigned bedroom. It's a small room with what he realizes is an expandable bed. It's ill fitted for people of his size, but he's made do with worse. Tony's nose scrunches for a second, but when he turns around, he's got a much milder expression on his face than Steve had expected.

"So I screwed up pretty horribly," Tony starts saying, and Steve blinks. That's very far from what he'd expected. "It was necessary, I stand by that, but it really… did not work out according to plan. And now we're all going to die." 

"That's a little extreme…" Steve says slowly. He can see the tightness in Tony's features. Anything he says now might send him off, and he really doesn't know how to handle a breakdown when he's teetering on the edge, himself. 

"It's also the truth," Tony retorts, but he deflates soon after saying that, slumping down on the edge of the bed. He looks down for a minute, then glances back to Steve. "You still look perfectly fine, Rogers. What's your secret?" 

"My secret," Steve says emphatically as he approaches Tony. "Is that I know whatever horrible scenario I'm faced with, everyone around me is facing it too. If I go around looking like I'm ready to fall apart--" ...like he's been feeling pretty much constantly since waking up in this century, and even moreso since the vision the witch had planted in his brain... "--then everyone around me will lose hope. If that happens, as you said, we will all lose." 

Tony's staring at him like he's seeing him for the first time, and Steve thinks he hasn't really earned this, but he sits down next to Tony regardless, leans a little against him. "Doesn't mean I'm not in pain, Tony. It just means I'm not showing it." 

"I had no idea you felt that way," Tony whispers, and Steve lets a small smile rise to his face. That, in part, is the whole point. 

Silence stretches between them for a moment, until Steve clears his throat and then tilts his head a little. "We should probably try and sleep and uh…" he wonders if it'd be okay to ask about this, but before he can form his thoughts into words, Tony speaks.

"Cuddle? Yeah that's a great idea," he says, not looking at Steve. And it could be so easy to imagine there's something between them that's more than casual sex sometimes and a cuddle when they're in too-bad-a-shape, but Steve tries to forget about that kind of thought and nods his head instead. 

They settle against one another and Steve reminds himself that any couple of people who sometimes have uncommitted sex cuddle afterwards, and care for each other like this. He wraps his arms around Tony and holds on a little tighter, buries his face in Tony's hair. Tony makes a questioning sound at him.

"You... wanna talk about it?" Steve’s voice is low, like he's not even sure he wants Tony to hear, but Tony curls a little further against him. He nods his head once, then tells Steve about his vision in excruciating detail. Steve has nothing to say, so he keeps his embrace warm and protective. He knows how those visions feel like, but he can only guess what it's like for someone who doesn’t know what’s happening to him. It's no wonder Tony was driven to make Ultron. He kisses the top of Tony's head, cradles him close. He may not be able to protect him from what's to come, but for now… For now he can do this.

And after this? Who knows what'll happen. What will they lose and what will be gained? And what if the worst should happen and he hasn't come clean to Tony?

Nosing into Tony's hair a little more, he promises himself that if they survive the fight with Ultron, he'll tell Tony how he feels. He's glad Tony isn't commenting on his extra clinginess, as they exchange good night wishes and drift off.

A couple of hours later, they drag themselves out of bed and get the plan going. During their fight with Ultron, Steve earns a few new bruises and a spectacular headache. The entire city of Sokovia falls from the sky and disintegrates, and for a while there he thinks they'd lost Thor and Tony. 

Eventually, they locate their two friends and are forced to accept Hulk's leave. When Tony recovers, he starts working on new plans. He calls it the New Avengers facility and spends a lot of his time at the site. Steve is used to not seeing him often, so his absence isn’t exactly news. Tony's more frequent visits at Steve's Tower apartment help, but Steve doesn't look too closely into what it means. Tony's changed since the Sokovia fiasco. He seems to brood more, and sometimes Steve catches him with this miles-away look. It makes Steve wonder how heavily the evaporated city sits on his shoulders

Steve wants to be there for him. He's aware he'd promised himself to come clean about his emotions, but he excuses his lack of action in different ways. In the end, he's terrified of rejection. There's absolutely no reason for Tony to choose him when he has Pepper, even if none of the Avengers have seen Pepper in weeks. So Steve stalls longer. He almost speaks his mind once, when the facility is launched, but then Tony jokes about building a farm for Pepper, and he decides to keep his mouth shut. 


	5. Civil War

Tony throws a July 4th party on the New Avengers facility's premise. He has fireworks organized and there's barbeque. Steve spends most of the evening admiring him from afar. It's after the event that he'll get to enjoy more. At least, that's what he hopes for. With the way Tony smiles at him whenever he catches him looking, Steve thinks he's in for a good night. 

In truth, Steve isn't fond of fireworks. He'd never liked them much, but ever since the war, he's found the noise just puts him on edge. For the sake of everyone's excitement, he doesn't comment on it, and watches as they all head out a little ways from the dining area for a better view. Meanwhile, Steve turns from the proceedings and heads into the facility. He doesn't know how well the insulation works, but at the very least they wouldn't have to watch him fidget. 

It's Tony that notices, because of course he does. He steps into Steve's room just as the fireworks start, and finds him seated by his desk with some plans spread out in front of him. Tactical maneuvers not yet practiced, apparently. Steve keeps his face stone-still, doesn't flinch at the noise, but when Tony sets a hand on his shoulder he startles. 

"You okay there?" Tony asks in a casual tone, and Steve glances over, sees a slight smile on Tony's face. It's not like he minds if Tony knows, but what if it makes him sad? It'd been Tony's plan after all…

"Yeah, it's just that fireworks aren't really my thing," Steve says, offering a small smile. Tony tilts his head and crosses his arms.

"You think you know a guy," Tony says with an easy air as he pulls over a chair. He regards the tactics papers, then looks back to Steve. "I guess birthdays aren't a great time for you." 

"You could say that," Steve concedes, looking back. "Didn't you want to see? You ordered them…" 

Tony shrugs at that. "Not so much of a thrill when I know how you feel about them," he admits, then reaches over and runs a finger along the side of Steve's hand. "Maybe I can make it up to you after the party?" 

A jolt runs through Steve from their point of contact and through his entire body. He thinks that maybe Tony had set the fireworks for him more than for the national holiday and a part of him is not only touched but resolved. Pepper or no, he's going to ask about it. 

Of course, as soon as he opens his mouth to speak, the door to his room bursts open again, and in steps Clint with a loaded plate. "There you two are. Come on, the show is over and everyone's moving to the living room," he says, then leaves again. Steve doubts he'd missed the atmosphere between them. Clint sees what others don't necessarily, and anyone could see they were sitting a little too close. He sighs. At least Clint wouldn't be giving them too hard a time, if only because Tony knows where he lives.

Tony's still looking at him expectantly when he turns back to him, and he smiles again. "Yeah, I'd like that," he answers, and Tony grins. 

They join the rest of the party and have a nice chat. Everyone's impressed with the show Tony had set up, and no one wonders why neither he nor Steve were present at the time. That's a relief. Clint really does keep it to himself, if he'd noticed at all, and a while later, the party breaks up. Wanda retires first, and Vision escorts her. After this, people start wandering out to their assigned rooms, and the guests who don't usually live on the facility premise go to their assigned guest rooms. Steve leads Tony to his own quarters again. Tony tugs on his hand, turns him around as the door closes, and kisses him. 

As familiar as Steve had gotten with kissing, every time is as exciting as the first. It makes his belly knot into a pleasant buzz of need, and he presses into the touch. They fall onto his bed soon after, discarding shoes and clothes without exchanging a single word. 

Steve lies back, stretches his limbs and holds up a hand to beckon Tony closer. Tony doesn't wait, and crawls over, straddling Steve's middle, pressing down against him. A gasp escapes the both of them as they slide close against one another, and Steve reaches down to hold them together. Meanwhile, Tony reaches behind himself, and Steve had seen him grab the lube from the drawer, so he knows exactly what he's up to. 

Tony's eyes are closed, his jaw slack as his hand moves, teasing Steve with a sight he can only imagine. He has half a mind to prop up Tony's body just so he can see, but that would break the concentration, and the flow of their contact, so he just waits it out. And when Tony disengages from Steve's hand, reaching between them to slick him up, Steve's head falls back. He arches into that hot grip, enjoying the tight circle of Tony's fingers. 

Tony lets go of him, making Steve gasp at the loss, but he soon shifts to slide down onto him, so Steve simply bites his lip and grabs Tony's thighs. Before long, they are thoroughly pressed together. He's grown rather used to going without condoms, but that doesn't mean he's immune to the sensory input. He flexes his hips, pressing a little deeper, and Tony bows his head on a groan. That's exactly what he's aiming for.

"You're amazing," Steve breathes to him as he watches Tony's entire body shaking, getting used to the deep intrusion. He'll never grow tired of looking at him. Just the thought reminds him that he treasures Tony probably a little more than is appropriate for their agreement. He'll tell him soon, he reminds himself as he starts up a rhythm, bouncing Tony on him until Tony catches on and starts to move as well. 

Their slide together is, as usual, perfect and smooth and the tension builds up almost on its own. Tony clenches around him just right, and Steve adjusts the angle a few times, until Tony has to choke down any sound of enjoyment. And once Tony reaches completion, Steve thinks that's the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. He has only a second to consider that, because he reaches climax soon after Tony, and the groan of satisfaction escapes him before he can stop it. 

"Yeah…" Tony sighs, still managing to sound cheeky as he leans forward, resting his forehead against Steve's chest. He lets more of his weight press down against Steve, and Steve wraps his arms around him. For a long moment they say nothing more, until Tony moves, and Steve slides out of him. They both sigh at the loss, and Tony settles heavily beside him. Without words, they wrap around one another, and as he drifts off, Steve determines to tell Tony in the morning. It may be a coward's move, but he wants to at least get to hold Tony through the night one last time in case it doesn't pan out the way he hopes.

~

In the morning, Steve wakes up slowly. He feels well rested and loose limbed. There isn't even a trace of tension in his entire body. He looks around the dim room, noting that the blinds had stayed shut today. Friday probably decided to let them sleep in a little, but Steve's inner clock is pretty accurate. He glances to Tony, next. 

It's a sight to be seen, he thinks, having Tony in his bed. He's only halfway under the covers, thin sheets wrapped around his hips and down his thighs, leaving most of Tony's torso exposed, and a good portion of his legs. Tony has an arm slung around Steve loosely, and his face is smooshed into the pillow. He looks so peaceful like this, breathing softly, long lashes resting against his cheeks and his face entirely slack. It's so rare to see him relaxed…

The hope he'd gone to bed with, tentative and wary, flares to life. Steve reminds himself there's a good chance Tony will say no, but it's no use. If Tony says no now… He'll be devastated. Even so, it'd be better to know than to keep wanting and imagining something's there.

After watching Tony a moment longer, Steve sighs and slides from under his arm carefully. He rolls out of bed, pulls on his underwear and goes to get washed up quickly. When he's done with that, he gets breakfast started. If he's going to have tough conversations this morning, he's going to make sure to have them clean and on a full stomach.

Tony wanders into the kitchen just as Steve finishes eating. He looks adorably put out when he finds the coffee machine empty, but perks up when Steve shows him the bacon and eggs he's made. "Eat, I'll get coffee started."

"You are unbelieveable," Tony says, and he looks awed as he shovels some food into his mouth. "And a good cook," he sounds almost indignant. "Real spouse material." 

Steve stills for a moment, unsure of himself. Tony doesn't seem to have really noticed what he'd said. He methodically eats, ease emanating from his every motion, and when Steve finally hands him a cup of coffee, he moans into the beverage. Steve watches him, trying to assess how awake he really is, then decides enough is enough. He can't keep waiting for the right moment to do this.

"Tony," he says after a minute. The air is light between them, The delicious smells of cooking and coffee still hang in the air. Steve is scared of ruining the moment, of ruining everything, but he knows he can't continue doing this without telling him there's more to it. Tony doesn't even say anything, just peers at him curiously, so Steve braces himself. "I… I need to tell you something." 

And Tony just… stops. The slow ease of his smile freezes, and Steve thinks he's holding his breath. He leans back, sets the mug down on the table. His movements are slow, as if any quick change would be too much, and he meets Steve's gaze carefully, like he thinks he might be reading too much into the situation, but when Steve looks at his face, he knows Tony already expected him to do this at some point. He wonders why Tony hasn't done anything about it earlier if he knew it was becoming too much. A slow exhale, and Steve continues to speak.

"This… This thing we're doing--have been doing, I…I want--"

"Steve--"

"I can't do casual anymore, Tony, I'm not--" He pauses for breath and Tony speaks before he can continue.

"The type, I know."

Steve's breath hitches and he swallows thickly. "Then…" and for a minute he thinks that if Tony knows, it must mean he wants more too, but then the slightest shift in Tony's expression tells him, before Tony speaks, a whole other story. "Tony…"

"I can't." And it sounds choked, like Tony's fighting to get the words out. "I can't, Steve… I'm sorry."

Steve watches the storm of emotions on Tony's face, and he doesn't know how to handle the bitter disappointment that settles like a heavy stone in his chest. "Why?" he asks quietly, watches Tony looking anywhere but back at him. He can already tell he's forming an excuse, brief expressions of pain flit over his face that Steve can't fathom.

"Because…" Tony's hands twitch, like he wants to reach for him but holds himself back. 

"Is it Pepper?" Steve asks quietly, because, if he's honest, that would be the only reason he could think of why Tony wouldn't want this. He always looks so happy to be with Steve, it just doesn't make sense.

Tony bites his lip, makes a small sound that Steve thinks verges on a sob, before he shakes his head. "No it's… You're just…" He gestures at Steve like that alone can shed light on the reason--like something about Steve is the reason, but he shakes his head and sets a hand on the table.

"I'm just… what?" he urges, and he tries not to get angry but it is incredibly hard when Tony so infuriatingly just  _ won't talk _ . 

"You're you, and I'm me and it won't work out, okay? You think you want to be with me but trust me, you don't. One day I'll make another Ultron scale mistake and you'll leave. I can't--" He chokes up a little and abruptly gets to his feet. "I can't let that happen." 

Some of the tension ebbs away from Steve's shoulders at that and he sighs, shaking his head. So it's guilt that still dictates Tony's actions, be it Ultron or Pepper. "I wouldn't leave you just like that over a mistake you made," he says, meets Tony's skeptic look. "I'd get mad, sure, but I wouldn't  _ leave you _ , Christ, what kind of a guy do you take me for?" 

"That'd be  _ worse _ because then you'd end up hating me!" Tony exclaims suddenly, starts pacing the kitchen floor, muttering about his spectacular track record and the arm-length list of people he'd pushed away by being himself. Steve frantically tries to find a way to explain that what Tony is saying is  _ ridiculous _ , that whatever's in Tony's past wouldn't matter to him, but before he can bring anything out, Tony stops in his tracks. "I have to go. I should've stopped this a long time ago." He doesn't look at Steve when he speaks. "I'm sorry, Steve."

Steve is on his feet before he even realizes it. "Tony!" 

"Don't." He levels Steve with a long stare. "I said I can't do this, let it lie." 

Steve watches wordlessly as Tony exits the kitchen. He sits down by the table and stares at the utensils still set nicely, the steam wafting over the half finished coffee mug. He feels wrenched open, a bleeding wound all over again, and the tender affection that'd grown inside him sours awfully. He doesn't flinch when, a few minutes later, the door to his quarters slams shut.

~

They rarely meet, after. Steve hopes this will help him get over it, but the heavy, unpleasant weight in his chest refuses to lift. He goes on missions with the New Avengers, puts most of his focus on training and working with them. They make good progress. He continues to look for clues of Bucky's whereabouts, while simultaneously looking for traces of Brock Rumlow.

Sam tries to help, and Steve is lucky he's there during the fallout of Tony's rejection, but then he can't really do much to help, and after a while they stop talking about it. Natasha tries to figure out what's happened, approaching him a couple of times, but she lets it go when he keeps quiet. 

And so they go to Lagos, following a trail, and Steve thinks this is a good chance to let Wanda see some field work. He's not too optimistic about their chances of actually finding Rumlow, but if they do, he thinks they can handle him together. 

Wanda is severely underprepared for the operation, and when it’s all over, the only reason Steve's still alive is the same reason others are dead and he feels himself sinking lower. He's sure Wanda feels worse about this than he does, but as the leader of the operation, he knows what happened in Lago is his own responsibility. He tries to carry out his leader's duties, checks up on Wanda.

And, okay, it's not like he'd been particularly interested in meeting Tony after their last interaction, but he's definitely less inclined to see him now, with the catastrophe hanging over the New Avengers' heads and with Ross leading the meeting. The world, it seems, cares very little about Steve's wishes.

It's worse than he'd expected. 

Tony arrives at the facility, dressed to the nines, and they argue about the Accords for hours. Steve is still in disbelief that Tony would even support this, even though the logical backdrop of his mind reminds him that Tony had been responsible for half of the disasters Ross had shown them. He grits his teeth against that touch of sympathy. Tony should know better than to surrender their freedom like this

His phone vibrates and Steve's entire world slows down to a crawl when he reads the text. 

She's gone. Peggy is gone.

He hadn't been to see her in months, since she moved back to London. The sight of her had been too painful to handle with everything else that was going on in his life, but he'd promised himself a visit after the Lagos mission. Now it's too late.

~

Steve is sitting on the bed in his room when the knock comes. He doesn't want to see anyone, feels too wrung out to face people's pitying looks and useless words. He just needs some time to collect himself. It's all too much all at once, and with Peggy gone he just can't seem to find that place inside that knows it's going to be okay. 

The rattle at the door comes again. "Steve." 

He palms his face, jaw locking at the voice. Tony is the last person he wants to see right now. He’s acted so distant since that last time they talked, and now he shows up with the Accords in tow… Steve can't stand to face him right now.

Of course, Tony doesn't wait for him to open the door, nor does he knock a third time. The door opens to admit him into the room, and Steve makes a low sound of displeasure as he turns away from him. He's pinching the bridge of his nose to conceal his face. Maybe if he ignores him, Tony will just leave. 

"She wouldn't want to see you like this." 

Steve's entire body freezes up. He knows that's true, and he knows it doesn't matter. Peggy isn't going to see anything anymore--not even his sorry ass moping about her death in his own room. A hand touches his shoulder after another long moment of silence. "Steve…"

"She'd say I'm being dramatic," Steve says, not turning to look at Tony. "She said…" He lifts his gaze, looking into the nothingness on his wall, then shakes his head.  _ The best we can do is start over _ . 

"Hey," Tony says, squeezing his shoulder gently. "Look at me." 

Steve turns, reluctant, and looks up to Tony. A hesitant expression shifts into something Steve can't read--something warm, and he feels his jaw clenching. "Why are you here?" He sends a look to the closed door and then back to Tony. Without seeming to take the hint, Tony sits down next to him and wraps his arm around Steve's tense shoulders. Steve freezes under the warm touch, and Tony sighs, not moving.

"Not to comfort you with sex," Tony answers, because he's a bastard, and also because he can probably read Steve's mind. Steve lets out a derisive snort.

"Don't go there," Steve sighs, crumbling under the contact at last. He doesn't want to show his weakness, not now and definitely not to Tony, but the truth of the matter is that Tony has already seen him weak. Tony has been more intimate with him than any person living or dead, and he knows all the parts of Steve that are weak and vulnerable, even if they're just physical ones--even if they're only the kind of weaknesses he'd shown in the context of their meaningless sex.

"I can offer a hug," Tony says, ignoring Steve's response, then glances at the bed behind them. "Or a cuddle, if that's something you'd want right now." 

"I won't sign the Accords, a cuddle isn't going to convince me to--"

"Steve, please," Tony stops him, his tone short, almost choked. "Not now." 

He finally looks at Tony, really faces him. He sees fatigue beyond measure in his features, a sagging at the corners of his mouth and dark circles under his eyes. Tony's staring at him like he can express everything he wants to say with a look, but all Steve can see is desperation. Maybe, he thinks, Tony is the one looking for a cuddle, physical contact. Maybe it isn't his own starvation tipping him towards the offer despite his reservations.

Steve reaches for him, cups his face with his palm for a second, then reaches for his shoulder, presses him back onto his bed. He lies down stiffly next to Tony then, but his frozen demeanor melts at the feeling of Tony's warmth pressing against his side. No matter how bad a place he had been in in the past, Tony had been there to help ease the loneliness, to listen and to care, and he doesn't want to fight his need for comfort, not when it's Tony who's offering it.

Tony wraps his arms around Steve, strong and steady, and Steve can't help but return the gesture. He closes his eyes and allows himself to feel the loss acutely, in the safety of Tony's warm embrace. Later, he'll deny having cried, but for now he just needs to breathe.

Before he feels ready for it, the world outside his room makes its presence known to them. A long vibration rattles them out of a kind of reverie, and Tony shifts, sending Steve a brief look when he refuses to let go of him for a moment. He eyes his phone warily as it vibrates, and then sighs. 

"I gotta take this," he admits, shuffling out of bed. Steve doesn't move to do the same, and Tony gives him another look. "You'll be alright?" 

Steve sends him a small, sad smile. "Yeah." 

Tony doesn't move, looks at him like he's a complicated equation, but after a long moment he gives a short nod and exits the room. Steve doesn't move for another long moment, but then he takes a deep breath and pulls himself out of bed too. He rolls his head from side to side on his shoulders, then squares them and leaves the room.

However much he's sad about Peggy's passing, he can't let that sadness get in the way of his duties.

~

The funeral takes a toll on Steve. The only thing that seems to distract him at all is Sharon Carter's appearance. He's not sure he's pleased to hear Peggy's words coming from her, a person he hardly knows. It's a shock to even learn that she's Peggy's niece. What other secrets is she keeping? He's unsure of her, at the very least, ever since she was assigned to babysit him.

Either way, he doesn't know how to feel about the whole situation. It's been months since Tony turned him down, and despite their strange cuddling session, it's clear his answer stands. The Accords hang over his head like a dark, foreboding presence and Steve wonders what else the world has to throw in his face.

Still bracing for some impact that is long overdue, Steve lets Natasha hug him after everyone else has left. She holds onto him for a long while, and he knows that he can trust her, even now.

What happens after Peggy’s funeral is a blur of coincidences, misconceptions and violence. He hears about the bombing in Vienna when he’s in a pub with Sam and Sharon at his side. Of course it’s the Vienna International Center that got attacked--the one where Natasha is currently signing the Accords. The news feeds send a spike of worry through Steve.

What really shocks him, however, is the media indicating that Bucky is behind the attack. Steve simply can't believe it.

They leave for Bucharest soon after Sharon finds them and tells them all she knows about Bucky's supposed whereabouts and about the kill-order. Strangely enough, Steve somehow finally manages to find Bucky in a run-down apartment. What’s not so strange is the fight that follows. A good dozen policemen try to catch them while they're chased by another guy in an enhanced suit. Steve asks himself, when he's hauled into the police car, if he's just incredibly bad at planning or if someone is deliberately acting against him. He likes to think his planning is pretty solid most times, but who'd want to go specifically against him now? 

Tony, Steve finds, is developing a habit of showing up when he least wants to see him. Then again, Steve shouldn't be surprised to see him there when he is brought in. Honestly, he would've preferred it be pretty much anyone else. If it were just Ross he could at least be hateful in peace. It's that much more complicated when Tony is involved. Even Natasha's presence isn't helping things any. 

The conference room is empty. That gives Steve some time to regroup and collect his thoughts. He watches Bucky’s cage and asks himself how things got so far out of control, and why he couldn't stop it in time.

"Wanna see something cool?" Tony's voice slices through Steve's gloomy thoughts and he turns to look at him. The glass walls around them become solid dark grey as Tony steps into the room, and Steve studies the opaque surface before approaching a chair and settling down in it. "I pulled something from dad's archives," Tony says, presenting a rectangular pen box. The door slides shut behind Tony and Steve hears a faint clicking of a lock. He can't help but narrow his eyes at Tony suspiciously. What is he up to now?

The look on Tony's face, however, is open, hopeful even. Steve thinks perhaps this is a kind of battle he's never learned how to fight, but Tony's a pro at. He braces himself for a difficult chat.

"FDR signed the Land-Lease bills with these in 1941. Provided support to the allies when they needed it most," Tony tells him as he opens the box and sets it in front of Steve. Two fountain pens rest next to one another. It looks like an old, prestigious set. Steve considers it, and then Tony, for a short moment. 

"Some would say it brought our country closer to war," he answers, a challenge presented. He knows Tony means well, he really does, but good intentions and good outcomes do not always correlate. The sadness in Tony's eyes when he looks at him tells Steve that he isn't the only one to think so. 

"See, if not for these, you wouldn't be here," Tony says, regrouping, offering him a forced smile. "I'm trying to, what do you call it…" He sits down, looking at Steve in a way that makes him feel powerful and weak all at once. Steve shoves down these emotions, it's given him nothing but pain so far. "A... an olive branch. Is that what you call it?" 

The way Tony palms his face, with that earnest energy emanating from his body, makes it very hard to say no. But Steve reminds himself that Tony had made his choice in more than one sense. And even though he's resigned to accept Tony not returning his feelings, Steve feels his heartbeat quickening when he looks at him. They're alone and no one can see them--even the security cameras are switched off for some reason--and all he wants to do is kiss him.

"Is Pepper here? I didn't see her." He looks away from Tony, for a minute can't bear to keep eye contact when he mentions her. Tony's face goes a little blank as he hesitates with the answer. Steve tries to think of what could possibly keep her away from Tony when there's so much at stake, and manages to come to one conclusion.

"We are... kinda... well not kinda…" 

"Pregnant?" 

Tony's breath catches briefly and he chuckles nervously. Steve immediately gets a horrible feeling about this. 

"No, definitely not. We're--we're taking a break. It's nobody's fault." Tony's tired eyes meet Steve's, a small resigned smile on his face. He looks like a man who's just revealed a secret he had no intention of sharing with anyone. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Steve answers, feels the honesty of it in his tone. 

"A few years ago, I almost lost her, so I trashed all my suits. You remember that," he says, and what he means is that he knows Steve remembers the night that followed the operation. Steve stares at him, frozen. Of course he remembers it. He remembers every last one of their encounters to minute detail. He finds comfort in the memory sometimes, when he's particularly down, at least until he remembers they're not truly together. "Then, you had to muck up Hydra. That was a fun night, and a  _ fantastic morning. _ " Steve can't move. Tony doesn't stop talking. 

"That's when she ended it, but I thought if I did well I could salvage it eventually, you know? Then Ultron happened." He snorts derisively. "My fault. And then, and then, and then. I never stopped doing this." He sounds almost angry, stares at Steve accusingly. "Cause the truth is I don't wanna stop. But I didn't want to lose her, either, Steve. I wanted to do right by everyone." He gets up and walks up to window, stares emptily at his own reflection, then starts putting his suit in order.

Steve is still reeling from the news about the breakup. He realizes that at the time he'd asked Tony for more, Pepper had already been out of the picture for a while. His hands clench into fists very briefly. More secrets. 

"In her defense, I'm a handful," Tony says, sending him a sharp little smile, before his expression sours again. "Yet, dad was a pain in the ass, but he and mom always made it work." 

Steve recognizes the danger of those words, and tries to change the topic, if only a little. "You know, I'm glad Howard got married. I only knew him when he was young and single." 

Unfortunately, that strikes a nerve with Tony, who all but exclaims, "Oh really? You two knew each other?" He grabs for his jacket with a little more vigour than strictly required. "He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times." The little hopeful smile slides off Steve's face, and it's only then that he realizes he'd been smiling. Tony gives him a hard stare. "God, I hated you," he says as he puts on his jacket. 

Steve watches him for a long moment, but when Tony offers nothing more, he sighs. "And now?" he asks, careful. 

Tony doesn't immediately answer. He chews his lower lip for a minute before lowering his gaze and looking away. There's really nothing else to look at in the room, but he does anyway. "Now I wish I could. Would make things a lot easier."

Steve lifts a hand, like he's done many times in the past, an invitation. Tony's eyes zoom in on the hand, then shift to Steve's face. The thoughts reeling through Tony are only half formed, and none of them are clearly readable to Steve as he watches him, but he can tell Tony's conflicted. He waits it out. 

Tony steps closer after a prolonged wait. He doesn't stop until he's standing between Steve's parted legs, and he looks down at Steve like he thinks he's at least partly insane. Well, maybe he is.

"You don't hate me," Steve tells him.

Tony nods his head stiffly, once, then sighs, propping his hands on the armrests of Steve's chair, leaning in close enough that Steve can feel his breath on his face. "I know you," he says, like it explains everything.

"I don't hate you, either," Steve says, and if things were different, he might find this amusing, but for now it's really all they have. Those warm, inexplicable emotions inside of him can't find true expression when there's so much anger between them, but he can live with this for now. They don't hate each other, they can work something out--for the Accords, and for the two of them.

It's Tony who initiates the kiss. Steve isn't surprised by it, and surges right in. He'd missed it so much that he doesn't care about the rest. His anger, mistrust and betrayal, his loss. He'll deal with the rest of that crap later. Now, all he needs is to feel. To feel Tony. 

The kiss is fierce, leaves nearly no room for breathing. Neither of them cares about that. And before long, Tony grabs his open jacket and hauls him up. They never break apart for more than a second as they push chairs out of the way. Tony leans back against the desk with Steve between his legs, leaning forward to maintain contact. 

The table is too low, and Steve growls low in his throat before pulling back, breathing heavily. He has to keep himself under control. They can't possibly get up to this kind of stuff here. He looks around him at the grey windows. "We can't… We can't here…" 

"I got condoms," Tony says, giving him a daring look.

The statement takes a second to sink in, and Steve blinks at him dumbly for a second before regaining composure. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Tony retorts. Steve isn't sure he likes that expression on Tony's face. It's almost maniacal. 

"Why do you have condoms? This is a…" He glances around. "Were you expecting--"

"It's good to be ready for every eventuality, Cap." Which isn't a yes or a no, it's evasive, and Steve forces himself to not get annoyed. 

"You are without a doubt the most outrageous man I ever met," he says on a sigh and steps close again. He isn't deluding himself that this is in any way different to all their previous encounters--that it means more. 

"I work hard to maintain that image," Tony agrees as he pushes himself off the table, bringing them to press against each other. He can feel Tony's half hard already, and excitement spikes through him. 

"Alright," Steve says at last. "Then turn around." 

"Straight to business, huh?" 

"Can't pretend you don't like it," Steve says, hands resting on Tony's hips. His fingers linger on the beltline of Tony's pants and he presses tightly against Tony's ass as he starts working the belt open. One hand slides in to cup him as the other works open the button and pulls down the zipper. 

"That's hot," Tony comments, his head bowed down and Steve assumes he's watching. 

"Weirdo," Steve says fondly as he pushes down Tony's pants and underwear, exposing him as little as possible. His hands reach for him, one wrapping around Tony's hard-on and the other cupping his balls, Tony's breathing is labored by now. 

"Condom?" Steve asks, pressing his clothed erection against Tony's exposed ass. 

"Get those horrid jeans out of the way first," Tony bites out, making Steve chuckle despite himself. He pulls back slightly and works his jeans open quickly, pushing them out of the way as well. He's hard by now, needy even. He hasn't had sex in a while, and had very little time for himself in the past couple of days. 

"Happy?" he asks, sliding his cock against the cleft of Tony's ass. In the time it took him to take care of his pants, Tony had shucked his jacket again, putting it safely out of the way.

"Overjoyed," Tony says on a shuddering breath. There's something wanting and shaken in the way he speaks. He hands Steve an extra-lube condom. 

Steve eyes the item for a moment, then tears open the foil. He rolls the condom onto himself and tries to salvage any excess lube that might've stayed in the packet. It's going to sting, he thinks, eyeing the back of Tony's head with some concern. "You're sure this is enough?" 

"Yeah," Tony says, shifting under his gaze even though there's no way he can see Steve staring. When Steve doesn't move, he lowers his head a little more. "Steve, just… Can you please not question me about this." 

It isn't a question, not even a request, really. It sounds more like a demand, and Steve decides to go with it. Tony knows his own limits in this well enough. He slides the head of his cock between Tony's cheeks, searching, then presses forward. They move a little, changing angles, until Steve manages to breach him. He nudges a palm between Tony's shoulders. 

"Put your hands on the table." Tony doesn't need to be told twice, bending over slightly, his head bowed low and both hands planted on the wooden surface. Steve presses in another inch. "Breathe." 

"I swear to Go--" Tony starts saying, but breaks off on a low cry when Steve slides further inside. He doesn't speak after that, but he's clearly focusing on his breathing, and the tightness around Steve eases marginally. It's enough to satisfy Steve that he won't be hurting Tony, so he shoves the rest of the way in. And oh how he's missed doing this… 

Everything stands still for a long moment, their bodies connected, Steve's forehead leaning against Tony's back and Tony leaning against the table. He can hardly believe they're doing this again, after everything-- _ despite _ everything. 

Tony starts moving first, tiny movements, and Steve adjusts in no time. They're perfectly in sync, almost entirely quiet save for their heavy breathing, and moving faster by the second. Steve's hand curls around Tony's cock when he starts to get those telltale tingles. Tony merely gasps in response. He's shivering against Steve. 

When Tony climaxes, spilling over the surface of the table, he barely makes a sound, and Steve follows only a minute later, his entire body tensing up for a moment, before he empties himself into the condom. He twitches inside Tony a few more times before coming to a stop. Tony lets out a long breath that sounds almost like a sigh. 

They don't move for another brief moment, before Steve pulls out of him and goes to find something for cleanup. He finds a box of tissues in one of the cabinets and opens it, cleans his hand as best he can before ridding himself of the condom, wrapping it discretely and then tossing it in the bin. He's grateful for Tony's silence, since he's not sure he could handle any kind of conversation with his dick still hanging out like this. The rest of the cleanup goes in similar silence, and they even manage to get the table to look like it had never been defiled.

They sit down across from one another again and… This might just be the most awkward moment in Steve’s life. Only minutes ago, they’d been as close as humanly possible and now--this. Two men sitting across from one another like they were associates and nothing more. Steve watches Tony watching him, until eventually Tony looks at the pen box, then lets his gaze slide back to Steve. A sigh falls from Steve, who glances to the Accords file, on one of the far cabinets.

"Back to business? So soon?" Steve asks, and there's more disappointment in his voice than anything else. Tony rubs a hand over his eyes in a nervous tick.

"Time's not on our side… I wish we could sit here and bask in afterglow, but that's a luxury I can't afford right now--and neither can you." His stare is imploring, piercing. Steve nods his head and looks away from him. "I don't wanna see you gone," Steve hears Tony say. "We need you, Cap." The  _ I need you _ rings clear, but Steve doesn't comment on it. "So far nothing's happened that can't be undone if you just... sign."

Steve stares at the table for a long moment, and then takes one of the pens. He could sign, couldn't he? It means so much to Tony, and really, if Tony wants to go with it, it can't be all evil, right? He could ask for something… safeguards maybe? He gets up and approaches the cabinet with the Accords file set on top of it. Maybe if he signs, he can ask Tony again about the two of them, and their apparent inability to keep their hands off each other.

"We can make the last 24 hours legit," Tony continues, his arms crossed. He turns his chair around to watch Steve. "Barnes gets transferred to an American psych center instead of a Wakanda prison." That sounds like an okay compromise, Steve thinks, and he would have his shield back. Sam could have his wings… Maybe he and Tony could...

"I'm not saying it's impossible," Steve says, looking at him, trying to make him understand that he just doesn't want to be hand-tied when the situation calls for a certain course of action. He doesn't want to be a puppet at the hands of another Hydra cover-up. "But we gotta have safeguards." 

Tony arms come loose and he sits up straight. Some pent-up excited energy pours out of him when he speaks next. "Sure. Once we put out the PR fire, these documents can be amended," he agrees. 

Steve contemplates the pen. "And us?" 

Tony doesn't answer immediately. He leans back in his chair and watches Steve for a minute. "What us?" 

"You and me. This… Us." 

"Steve…" Tony's voice is pained, Steve still doesn't look at him.

"You gonna tell me there's nothing there?" he asks, biting his lower lip as he shakes his head. "Five minutes ago I was inside you, does that mean nothing to you?" 

"It means…" Tony hesitates, then shakes his head. "It means a whole lot more than you think." 

"Then what's the problem?" Steve asks, finally turning to stare at him. Tony's eyes are wide as he watches him. Fear is tangible in his features. 

"You're seriously still considering this? Three days ago I was a traitor as far as you were concerned, wasn't I?" Tony bites, his tone brittle.

"I found your solutions," Steve says, glancing at the Accords, "lacking." On a sigh, he slumps a little and leans against the cabinet. 

"You find plenty of my solutions lacking, Cap. It's not exactly news."

"I want to believe you would've told me about this sooner than three days before it's meant to be signed, if things were different between us," Steve retorts, and he feels empty. Why is he even fighting for this? Clearly Tony wants to play with him, make it difficult. "Why are you fighting this so hard?" 

"I'm trying to protect you!" Tony's tone is forceful, and Steve closes his eyes, thinks about what he wants to ask, and then about what he wants to say. Eventually, he shakes his head.

"I'm not Pepper." 

"Really," Tony huffs after a long moment. "I hadn't noticed." 

Neither of them speak for another long moment, and Tony palms his face. Steve wants to shake him just so he'd stop looking so miserable, but he keeps his distance. When Tony finally looks at him, there's a desperate edge to his expression. "I'm… I'm not saying no, but… I need more time." 

On a sigh, Steve lowers his head and closes his eyes. It isn't a flat-out refusal like last time, but he can't say he's entirely pleased. Honestly, he's not above pettiness. "Okay," he replies, his tone soft. He regards the pen is still in his hand, and then tosses it onto the table. "I need more time, too." 

When he approaches the door to leave, it unlocks seamlessly. He doesn't look back at Tony as the windows become transparent again. 


	6. Hope

Steve stares at his phone for a long moment. He's still having a hard time believing Bucky's story--about Siberia, about those winter soldiers--, but he knows Bucky has no reason to lie. He's static, metal arm caught in a big vice, and looking worse for wear. Steve and Sam had dragged him in here quietly, and have waited for him to wake up for a while, and now they're at a dead end. Logically, Steve knows it's probably far too late for a truce. He knows that if he contacts Tony and Natasha to ask for help, there's a good chance they'll just go after the three of them. He knows that, but he also knows that he, Bucky and Sam alone are not enough to fight Zemo. He needs backup, and he can't shake off his faith in Tony. One day, he thinks bitterly, this kind of thinking will be his downfall.

So he fires off two messages quickly, and then pockets his phone, determined not to think about it. For better or worse, it's out of his hands now. Sam gives him a skeptical look as he turns to wind back the vice that's holding Bucky down. Whatever happens, they'll figure it out when it happens. 

~

For some reason, Tony and Natasha decide to help them after all. It's a surprise, but more so a relief. They get delayed a few hours after the two pick them up. Sharon messages Steve to meet her at a secluded location, and that takes some time. She promises--and then delivers Sam and Steve's combat gear.

They take turns sleeping on the jet, and arrive at Syberia the next day. On the way there, Tony receives some reports from Friday that contain enough evidence to clear Bucky of the UN bombing. Tony shares the information with everyone, including the name and background of the real perpetrator. Steve considers him for a long moment. He knows Tony's probably going to blame himself for this as well, but can't find it in himself to dispute that point at the moment. 

They suit up and enter the old base, and then find the winter soldiers… dead in their cradles. Tony expresses his unease the way he always does. "Late for the party?" he asks, glancing at Steve. Steve ignores the attempt at humor and focuses on the dysfunctional cradles with distaste. 

"Zemo must be here somewhere," he says, darting a glance at Tony. "Keep your eyes open." 

"Yeah," Tony answers as Steve surveys the rest of their group. Everyone's tense, their gazes moving here and there. When Zemo finally makes his presence known, the tension ratchets even higher, and Steve gets a bad feeling as soon as the console starts playing the video. 

The video of Tony’s parents getting murdered.

And Steve sees it… how tangible horror fills Tony to the point of bursting. And he has a feeling he knows exactly what’s going on through Tony’s head right now. That, no matter how much he tries to rationalize it, to remind himself that Bucky had been under extreme mind-control, he can't do it. Steve goes into battle-stance even before it happens and behind him, he notices Natasha and Sam doing the same. Bucky just--stands there, as Tony so clearly is seeing red. And it’s not that Steve doesn’t understand him--the man who murdered his mother in cold blood is standing  _ right there _ , of course he is seeking revenge--but Steve just can’t let this happen.

They all set into motion at once. Tony attacks Bucky, and they try to keep him from doing so. Tony is not an easy man to contain when he’s set his mind to something on a good day, and today is  _ anything _ but good. There's just too many spectators insisting on participating. Bucky, Steve realizes, looks like he knows he deserves worse. And Tony clearly wants to deliver worse.

It ends with Steve grabbing Tony's suit arm and Sam messing with its sensors. Natasha stands in the way between Bucky and Tony. They don’t hurt him, Steve  _ couldn’t _ , but they hold him, and they keep him wrapped up until he… stops.

Steve’s not even sure how much time had passed, how long they fought before Tony ran out of steam. Tony’s on his knees, his face is wet, his helmet is on the floor.

Natasha sits down heavily next to Bucky. Sam and Steve keep their stance easy, but they stand close enough to be able to get involved again if need be. They wait for Tony to come back to his senses, even though Steve thinks he wouldn't want to face it, to face them--to face him. Before anyone can really come up with anything to say, there's footsteps and everyone's attention shifts. 

T'Challa shows up at the large doors with Zemo held fast in his grasp. He casts a pointed look around the room. "I see the battle has ended," he says, his tone conversational. "It is good to see you all survived it." Zemo makes to speak, but a glare from T'Challa shuts him up. "Sadly, time is not on our side, is it, Mr. Stark?" 

Steve turns his head to look at Tony again. Whatever T'Calla is hinting at, Tony clearly knows and the wince that passes across his face is all the indication Steve needs. Tony's  _ still _ hiding things from him.

"We had 36 hours to bring in the three of you," Natasha says, momentarily warding attention off Tony. Meanwhile, Tony pushes himself onto his feet. "I'd say we have roughly 14 left." 

"And then what happens?" It's Sam who presents the question, and Steve looks to Tony again when Natasha looks towards him guidance. Tony sighs and his expression is unreadable. "It's a tricky situation. You helped that guy escape, but you had reason to believe there was a real global threat… It will depend on whether or not you agree to sign." He looks at a random spot in space, not meeting anyone's eyes. When the silence stretches on, he shakes his head, looks at Steve. 

"I can work it out if you sign. With the evidence in this facility, we can claim you were acting in good faith. What I told you--" He falters, grimaces and continues. "What I told you at the Center is still an option." Steve stares at the side of his face, but Tony doesn't meet his gaze. 

Steve wants to talk about the  _ other stuff _ that came up during their conversation, but he's not going to bring it up here of all places. He tries not to resent Tony for not mentioning it, but it's not an easy feat. When all's said and done, however, and considering everything that's happened, if Tony's offer still stands, it'd be a lesser evil. Steve knows if he doesn't sign now, they'll probably put him in jail, and it'd be a little hard to save the world the next time it's in trouble if he's locked up somewhere.

Tony turns slightly towards him, meets his gaze, and Steve considers him gravely. He can't ask Tony again here, they'd have to get past this crisis first, and for that to happen...

"Okay," Steve says, and Tony freezes. "If we put those safeguards in place… It has to be written in there, but…" Steve shifts his weight from one leg to the other, looks around at his battered friends, his gaze stalling on T'Challa, and then landing on Tony again. 

Tense silence stretches endlessly between them, until Tony breathes in deeply and nods. "Alright. We can do that." He looks at T'Calla, then at Natasha, who's still inconspicuously standing between him and Bucky. Tony pauses for a short second before nodding again. "Let's do this."

~

In hindsight, it all looks so simple. So much could've gone wrong, but they managed to work it out. The Accords passed seamlessly, and the following weeks saw Tony and Steve pouring over it, improving the relevant points. Bucky was staying at one of the lower floors of the Tower, as a safety measure, with constant surveillance. The public was none the wiser.

Steve still hasn't brought up anything about the two of them. They haven't had sex since the meeting at the boardroom, and Steve doesn't try anything. If they have sex again, it'll only be if they're in a more meaningful relationship. Instead, he sends Pepper a letter of apology, and it's only after he gets her answer that he decides to broach the subject with Tony after all.

That day, Steve goes to Tony's workshop. He finds him seated at a worktable, working on circuitry, apparently, even though he has no instrument in hand. Steve has made sure they would not interrupted for this, even asked Friday’s help. 

"Steve…" Tony greets him, and it's a tired expression, like he's both accepting and resenting his presence. Steve will not be swayed today, and Tony's resigned tone has little effect on that decision.

"You look tired," he says as he approaches Tony. He stands a few feet from his station. Tony is leaning against a tall chair, a circuit laid out in front of him, but Steve can see the soldering gun resting in its cradle. Tony watches Steve instead of looking at his work, or rather, lack thereof. 

"Flatterer. I bet all the girls love that about you," Tony says, but it comes out flat, neither amused nor venomous. Steve's lips quirk into a quick smile and he loosens his crossed arms. Even sleepless, wary and dirty, Tony's just too attractive.

"You know why I'm here," Steve says, rolling his shoulders back and surveying the room briefly. Tony nods his head, looks at his work. He doesn't speak. Steve hadn't expected this to be easy.

"And?" he urges.

Tony sighs. "You're being unfair," he accuses, looking at Steve once more. 

"I got a letter from Pepper," Steve says then, realizing that Tony's still going to refuse him. If, after this conversation, Tony really doesn't want him then he'll have to accept it. Tony turns to look at him more directly, surprised. Steve tilts his head and amends, "well, an answer." 

"You wrote to Pepper?" Tony asks, his expression breaking up into a myriad of inexplicable emotions. He looks shocked as he slides out of his chair and takes a few paces away from Steve. "Why?"

"I felt I owed her an apology," he explains, lowers his gaze to his own shoes. "I hadn't realized your breakup… I mean… It was my fault…" His broken sentences make perfect sense to him, and he hopes Tony can decipher them. 

"What did her letter say?" he asks, not looking at him.

"What you'd expect," Steve says, taking a deep breath and letting it out evenly. "That it wasn't my fault, that your relationship was doomed even before I was thawed--" Tony chuckles humorlessly at that, Steve ignores it. "She told me about the rules you had, those you neglected to tell me about." 

Tony pretends nonchalance with a shrug. It looks very stiff. The silence that settles between them can be measured in the amount of steps it takes Tony to reach his workbench again. His hands rest on the flat surface of it and he watches his fingers flex against it. 

"It served your interests just as it did mine," he tells Steve, looks at him, challenging. Steve doesn't rise to the bait. He watches Tony, waiting for him to understand, but Tony only frowns at him. "I'm not going to apologize for that, it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You," he points towards Steve's general direction, "liked it just as much as I did."

Steve doesn't dispute that statement, and after another long wait, he shakes his head and relents. "I did." 

"Then what do you want?" Tony asks, and Steve thinks Tony knows exactly what he wants.

"More," he provides the answer despite himself. 

"It'll never work out between us," Tony's tone is almost imploring by now. "Look at what happened with--"

"I already told you, Tony. I'm not Pepper." He's at a loss of how else to express this so Tony would finally understand. "Tony… Just… Don't give me an answer right away. Think about it for a day." He squares his shoulders and gazes at Tony's face. "And then give me your final answer." 

Tony opens his mouth to answer, to shake Steve's request off, to tell him it doesn't work that way, but Steve holds up a hand to silence him, he wants Tony to take the time to think it through. Miraculously, Tony shuts up. "Think about it," he repeats, before turning from him and leaving the workshop. 

~

Tony finds Steve in the living room. He's busy watching a show about aliens on the History channel, but acknowledges Tony's presence with a glance over. Tony steps around the sofa and settles down next to Steve, looking thoughtful. 

The couch is pretty big, but Tony also sits pretty close, and Steve has to try and beat his hope into submission. The room is empty save for the two of them, and Steve doesn't speak. Instead, he turns to look at Tony more fully. 

"You thought about it," he says, and Tony nods his head affirmative. 

"I thought about it." Tony shrugs. "And for the record, this would've been the same answer if you'd actually let me get a word in yesterday, but your stubborn ass wouldn't have it, so that's on you." 

Steve tenses at the accusation,  _ so it's going to be a no again _ , he thinks. He says nothing, though, waiting for Tony to say it. Tony contemplates him for a moment before speaking.

"Anyway, as I tried to say before," he says, quirking a smile at him. "I'm in it if you are." 

A beat of silence. Steve takes a moment to register Tony's answer, not fathoming the switch-up, but when it dawns on him, he finds himself giving Tony a small, hopeful smile. "Yeah?" he asks, to confirm or just because he feels compelled to.

"Yeah," Tony says again, and it's an amazing moment for him, relief washes over him. He lets his gaze roam Tony's face, eyes flicking to Tony's lips before searching his eyes, seeking permission to kiss him. Tony doesn't seem to need a verbal request. He leans in, and Steve takes his cue to follow suit. And the kiss is… it's nothing like what they had before. It's just as soft and sweet, wet and warm, but it's more than that.

It's relief, like coming back to where he ought to be. Nothing stands between them now. The Accords are as good as they're going to get, and they both know why they're here, what they want with each other and most importantly--what this means. It means  _ something _ , now. The warmth tingling at the back of his neck and down his spine is tantalizing.

Steve breaks the kiss, then turns to rub their cheeks together as his arms wrap around Tony's body. "That was easy," he says a little drily next to Tony's ear. Tony starts laughing before he even manages to pull back and give him his most incredulous stare.

"You call that easy?" he puts in once he's managed to bring himself under control again. Steve grins at him in turn.


End file.
